Grand Uplight Illuminator Of Wessex & Mercia

Many inherited human character traits are in no way linked to gender. The genes that carry them on into subsequent generations are distributed on the autosomes; the 22 pairs of non sex chromosomes. 44 chromosomes to choose from out of the 46 that every human carries at the heart of their cells, 44 that will ensure a fair and unbiased non sexist distribution of genes. There are some genes however that are unrepentant, unredeemed misogynists and like sexists everywhere they hang out in their own special, male members only club - the Y chromosome. This is the darkened, smoke filled room smelling of feet and stale flatulence of the human genome. All sorts of exclusively male characteristics hang out in here, most of them unwholesome and undesirable, the sort of genes that switch off the computer in a guilty rush when you walk in unexpectedly, and some of them are down right odd. One of these latter is the strange and irresistible compulsion that makes males put things on their heads. Nothing is safe from this instinct: bras, underwear, elastic bands, empty bags, bird cages, buckets....you name it, if it can be crammed, hammered, slid or stretched around or on top of the male cranium on it will go. If you doubt me just hang around your nearest casualty department, you want have to wait long, in they will troop the poor dented, lacerated and stuck victims of male cranial misadventure. When I finally gave up inflicting the Lampshade of Doom on Jake and laid it down on one of the piles of books and clutter that dominate the living room I should have known that I was placing myself in danger, that I should avoid standing idly with my hands at a loose end anywhere within arms reach of the thing. This morning the inevitable happened.

From the moment it alighted on my head I knew there was something unsuspectedly powerful about this artefact. It was no longer a veterinary appliance, it became a conduit of imaginative power, a dangerous crown of possibilities ....and as the dark recesses of my mind were thrown open by its transformative force it blazed with the unleashed luminance of my inevitable destiny. I would never be the same again for now I had become the crowned and anointed Uplight Illuminator of this ancient land! Grovel before me minions! On your knees before the sacred Lamp of Enlightenment!.....and for god's sake someone put the kettle on I need a cup of tea.