Little yellow footprints

Little yellow feet have appeared on the pavement outside the local school! i’m very grateful that my children are no longer at school at this time, Zebedee is qualified, he has diploma from his visual art and design course and as a qualified fitness instructor and personal trainer. Gulliver is halfway through a two year college course and goes back on Friday, I was not particularly impressed with how the college handled everything last time so I will be coming down hard on them if they don’t make more of an effort to have more online lessons and a proper timetable. I do feel sorry for Gulliver as he has missed out on the practical side of the course which is being in a band and performing and putting on shows et cetera but at least he is old enough to understand what’s going on in the world and will be responsible about wearing his mask and being careful to wash his hands et cetera when he goes back.

Max took me for a walk this morning, I was a little overambitious, we went to the cemetery which is only round the corner but I couldn’t make it all the way home, my legs just turned to jelly and my knees kept giving way, I felt very upset and emotional, our wonderful friend Kate kindly came and picked us up and dropped me home and I went to bed till 6.

It’s a tricky balance resting and taking it easy and also trying to keep mobile with this injury, I am going to try two shorter walks closer to when I’ve just had medication tomorrow and see if that works better.

Spent the evening lying on the sofa watching television with Gulliver and Max, Max made a delicious prawn risotto. I’ve been in a lot of pain this evening and feel very weak.

I’ve been crying a lot today, I woke up crying about my parents splitting up when I was seven, I remember so clearly them sitting in the red armchairs in the living room together saying they had something to tell us, my brother Tom aged five at the time was playing with his cars on the carpet, when they told us that they were splitting up and my dad was moving out I literally felt as if the rug was pulled from underneath me, I had a sensation of physically falling like a rollercoaster ride, I felt my entire world collapsing around me, one of the most painful and devastating feelings of my entire life, my brother looked up calmly and asked if my mother was leaving as well, they reassured us that nothing was going to change and we were still going to see daddy at the weekends but of course nothing was ever the same again.

I cried a lot this morning and I wonder if some of the pain I’m experiencing is repressed and unexpressed emotion, who knows, anyway I just went with it because I just have to give in to this pain and this recovery and I really can’t cope with doing anything but that so if that means that I’m having memories and crying then I will just accept that that is part of my healing.