Change

I had my first session of college today, and thank God, it was in-person and not online. I woke up early, the light was beautiful even though it's a bit chilly first thing. I had a foreboding that it might not be great. 

It was so lovely to see my friends, L and M, as we haven't physically seen each other since March 19..... and now we're in a new group. We stood outside a building with the others that had been in our WhatsApp group but whom we hadn't yet put a face to their name, awaiting collection. 

They appeared, and shepherded us back to the end of the main building, and up two flights of stairs to our new room. We had our semi-circle as we used to which was good. I sat next to L and a lady who was really lovely, she'd been in the day group with our old tutor last year. 

I don't like the tutors this year, which is a shame. I had such a great one last year that it was always going to be difficult to fill, but it hurt more than I thought it would. Lots of people had been taught by her as she taught the majority of the Level 3 groups last year, and everyone said how much she had affected them, and how it had been a great experience. This year we have two, and I just don't like either of them. I know I'm making a judgement without a lot of evidence, but for me, being a teacher makes or breaks the year, and I just don't feel good about it. 

They faffed about a lot, deciding what they needed to tell us, which was slightly irritating, as it didn't seem like they knew what they were going to do. Some people just 'spark' you, while others don't. I knew last year that I loved it, and I feel so gutted that I don't this year. We're also stuck with them for not one, but two years... 

We also go the spiel "we're not your mum's, we're not going to chase you" speech, which really irked me! I'm 36 years old, and I just thought that everybody in that room had a career and a life lived in the adult world yet I felt it was the sort of talk you give the 16-18 year olds starting sixth-form! 

Anyways, before I write anymore negativity, I better end it there. I felt horrible when I got home, and really ratty. My skin isn't very happy which made me miserable, and feeling tearful, I took myself home for a cry. I'm trying to remember that 'ignoring uncomfortable feelings doesn't make them go away', so even though it wasn't the best cry, I did feel better afterwards. Well, that and a bath and a cup of tea. I had a chat with my friend T, and we had a giggle, but she said part of her wished she was there too. I wished she was there too for sure! 

I cried because even though part of me wants to quit, I know I can't, so I cried because I know that I've just got to get on with it. I'm losing a day's income to do this as it's a daytime course, so not liking it feels like a double whammy of discomfort. There isn't a choice here. I'm not a quitter and I aim high and try my best to reach it, so I know there's no way I can give up. I've just got to grit my teeth and get through the next two years. 

I miss the support from my old tutor. Covid fucked us over big time and I feel pissed off that we didn't end properly, and now we're thrust into a new year when the old one never really finished! I can't help but feel cheated. I know it can't be helped but it doesn't sit well with me. 


I guess I don't feel 'held' right now.