Valentine's Day Massacre

STOP PRESS.................

Miss Piggy heartbroken by tragic news.

Henson Inc statement, Kermit was our green friend.

The blame for this appalling loss of life may, it seems, lie close to home.

The resident known colloquially as JazzyB went out with her highly trained pedigree dogs this morning. Still seething at the alleged loss of her recycling boxes, which may or may not be in her garage, she obviously went full tilt round the S bend and took out Kermit.

Flowers, teddy bears and glove puppets have sprouted at a memorial built by the stunned schoolchildren who were playing in the school field. One who wished to remain nameless said he heard a "Yeeeeeeehhhhhaaaaaaa!!!" followed by a sound just like squashed frog. It was only then that the awful truth became known.

Community support personnel, counsellors, representatives of the RSPCA, criminal profilers and the scenes of crime investigators, assisted by traffic officers from the major incident unit were all at the scene.

The suspect has remained behind closed doors. When this reporter ventured near he was alerted by a loud hissing sound and the clash of a Vodka bottle hitting the chimney breast.

More when we have it........

Now back to Gonzo in the studio.....