Knees and Toes

"Of course we are all following the Science

A new simple graded alert system is now in place.

Level 1. Amber. You can meet with yourself in a household on any given Tuesday. Pubs and restaurants will remain open only if they serve substantial meals. A pie and a pint does not constitute a substantial meal, a minimum of two pies applies from 6pm tomorrow. You can eat indoors but alcohol may only be taken outside, so if you are supping an ale in the beer garden and your pies inside have gone cold you have to start over again.

Tier Amber 2. Masks and mittens become compulsory outdoors. You are no longer allowed to lick students. You can watch rugby on telly but not football.

Def Con Amber Rudd. I am awarding a multi million dollar contract to a company that I may have shares in to build hand carts that we can all go to hell in. Wales will be shut.

In order to protect the NHS, front line staff will be required to carry sidearms..

These restrictions will remain in place until we can think up some new ones.

You are all doing incredulously well. We will get through this. Clunk Click every trip." 

Thank you.