"Only real men use Elizabeth Arden Hand Cream

I get really bad skin in the winter when the central heating's on. It cracks like paper cuts, really sore (yes I am that delicate a petal) and I've tried all sorts of crap but nothing helps, apart from Elizabeth Arden 8 hour skin protection cream. It's not so much a cream as a foul smelling paste, that apparently is boiled up sheep intestine or something disgusting, but it seems to help a little. Just a little...
("and cue pity comments")
But fear not dear blipper I shall struggle on manfully with a little help from Betty.