Reflective

December 3rd is always an awkward day, as is the 4th. This year however we are 20 years on since my dad lost his life to mesothelioma. 

20 years is a long time, The grandchildren he never met, my own children, are both well on their way to being 20 themselves. They are little adults now in their own right. One, nearly 19,  is at university and driving, the other 17 and in (and out some weeks) 6th form and now learning to. She's so keen to be independent and her own boss. They are both wonderful and I do wonder what they would have made of him, and him of them.

There's no picture of him this year as I thought he could wait a day to be on blip with mum. Longstanding followers may remember why. If you hit the back a year button a few times, he'll pop up each year. He doesn't change now to me, just trapped in time, wearing those glasses that one day just snapped in half. Funny how the little things are all that you remember in the end, that and a sense of him.

I was 30 when he died, and so we are well on the way to having lived as many years with him than without him. If you argue that you don't remember much in your first 10 years, we are probably already there.

Some years I have really struggled with the build up towards December, especially with the short days and the miserable light at this time of year. This year however, well the world has bigger problems and I seem to have skipped feeling sorry for past events, and myself. Maybe I can do a little bit today, and tomorrow, would be odd not too as it is part of me now.

This year, there will be lots of people who have lost loved ones ahead of time. Too many. While there is the initial shock, the grieving process is a  permanent thing, a changing thing but one that is time related, and it takes it's own time. That would be my advice to anyone, its not something you get over, you just get comfortable with it. You nod at each other as you pass anniversaries.

Lets have a break in the grey cloud and some sun today please, even if it is just to make way for the forecast snow...