Hard day

So it’s the start of a new year, but apart from putting up a new calendar nothing much really changes, though people do like to be romantic about it and think a new year means everything is better, it’s not.
Today I went to my Dads home for the first time since he died.I knew it would be difficult, but it was far more upsetting than I’d imagined. Not seeing him in his chair, not seeing honey clamber all over him and lick his face, not seeing the tv on with some black and white film showing, he liked watching the talking pictures channel.
Walking round looking at his possessions, breathing in the distinct smell of his home was too much to take, I went in to his bedroom, sat on his bed and broke down in tears, it felt so painful and there is nothing I can do to ease that pain.
Honey was confused, she always gets excited visiting my dad and I’m not sure she could understand why he wasn’t there, while I was back in the living room she left me and went to lay on his bed, perhaps she could smell him on the bedding, she did look sad.
I collected a few of his possessions to remember him by but as my dad lived alone the whole house will have to be cleared, something my brother and sister had already started doing on previous visits.
I will admit I’m struggling at moment, I definitely feel a bit lost, but for those of you who like Honey, let me tell you she is a great help, she doesn’t know just how important she is to me.

I would like to wish you all a happy new year x