Deliverance

When we went into lockdown last year, I felt quite sanguine about the whole affair and if truth be told, looking forward to working from home.

I didn’t fear the isolation and wasn’t worried about the children, indeed, I was looking forward to spending more time with them. I guess I just felt full of positivity and hope and that all this would blow over.

But, I had an ace in the hole: I was in love again and no matter how bad things are, when you have love in your heart everything just seems a little bit better doesn’t it?

We’d met online and were in regular contact throughout lockdown, even (I’m ashamed to admit) stealing time for just one heady, Spring day and meeting in a secluded spot for a walk. We built our relationship through music. It was her idea to jointly contribute to a playlist on Spotify, both selecting a track a day whilst adding our personal story for its inclusion and then listening to it on our respective jogs. Fridays were reserved for songs from musicals, it was through her that my love for Hamilton began. The irony of throwing away My Shot is not lost on me…

Unfortunately, it didn’t last as I just couldn’t settle in the relationship and eventually had to face the truth that - despite the fact that this woman who was ABSOLUTELY PERFECT for me - I actually wasn’t in love and nor was I in any condition for a relationship where anything would be asked or expected of me. It was incredibly painful and I hurt her, which has been a source of regret ever since. Having said all that, I believe that she is now in a steady relationship with someone else and genuinely, I couldn’t be happier for her.

The reason I mention this period of time in my life is because this version of lockdown has clearly brought a lot of stuff back to the surface, and I’ve realised that (children and texting with friends aside) I am facing this renewed hardened version of lockdown on my own. It is already, infinitely less fun this time around and I have a renewed sense of respect for full time single parents juggling work and children, as well as those at the opposite end of the spectrum who are completely isolated from others. 

To keep the lockdown blues at bay, I have vowed that my children will be home schooled in the style of Dewey Finn from School of Rock, more time will be spent cooking good food for us all and I will continue to write/badly photograph my way out and through the funk of lockdown tedium.

Should probably squeeze a bit of work in here and there too.

Stay safe.