10 years today!

10 years ago today since you died, that's 3,650 days and not one of them goes by when I don't think about you, for people who haven't lost a parent they probably won't count the hours or the minutes but I catch every single second, there's not a day that goes by where I don't think "if my dad was here"...

I miss how we all used to go in the back garden and play football, how you'd sing to me when I came downstairs in a morning and I'd run back upstairs and sit behind my door until you stopped, how you'd kill the tiniest spider for me, making us sit on the rug if we'd done something wrong, when you shouted at me for opening the car door on the motorway, when you couldn't get up after watching a film and we all just laughed when you was being serious, how one of the scars on my hand is from your fag.. i could be here for ages but the day we didn't get picked up by you from school will always remain a fresh memory.

I hate how you won't be here to walk me down the isle if I got married. How my children won't have a grandad. That I've got to live the rest of my life without calling anyone dad and if I ever need anything I can't just ring you up. How you won't be here to wave me off when I go to university. How you're not here to scare the shit out of a lad I fetch home. How I'll never hear your voice again and never see your face again.

The fact that you aren't here to see me grow up or tell me you're proud of me or that you love me or even just be here for me hurts so much! I'd do anything to even just be able to simply give you a hug.

I don't have much to tell you, except I miss you, more than you could possibly imagine and I'll do my best to make you a proud dad. I know you won't read this but even if you don't, it's here, always, just incase.