Love's Not a Hostile Condition

I have no idea how to write this entry.

I know that you guys don't know me. You look at my pictures (sometimes) and send sweet notes of encouragement on my particularly poignant or vulnerable entries. The truth is I don't know myself, so sometimes your take on my words helps me.

Sometimes I feel like I stare into other people's eyes when they are looking at me desperate for a glimpse of my reflection, as if somehow their perspective of me will give me some insight into myself.

I have just left three very difficult days.

They are over and this moment is a new beginning. But that new beginning came from the death of something. Ironic on Easter weekend isn't it?

I wish I had the words to explain what has happened. How it has affected me, the responsibility I feel. The places I look at my failures along the way and now understand the deep consequences. The places of pride where I by purpose or by chance got things right and spared people pain or gave others strength. The places of idealism that have taken a blow, those places that truly believes that Love conquers all, are suddenly aware again in a new and deeper way... That Love does not always conquer in the manner that you expected him to.

After my meeting today I stopped at my favorite florist, and used my three sentences of Arabic to greet it's Lebanese owner. I bought a bunch of branches. I then took them with me to the Euro store and bought these little Easter eggs. I hung them on my wall and then took a picture, because I find them lovely.

Now I am supposed to communicate with my friends and family that the church that I have been doing my aid work through for the last two years has split. I need to tell them that I have taken the non-profit and I am going to aggressively move forward in the dream that has been bogged down in conflict and differing vision for the last two years. I am going to affiliate with one of the churches that is being created from the split and I feel really excited about the future. But I feel lost about the words. So I think I'll just work on my apartment, have dinner with a dear friend and wait for my heart to settle a bit. And then I will set my heart on love and continue the hard work of loving the poor in my midst and around the world. But today I need a breather, and a nice glass of Barolo.

Update:
Initial email to smaller circle - check
Apartment...
Dinner - check
Barolo-er... Riesling - Check
Early to bed for the first time in ages - CHECK!