My Journey...

Reasons Why People Turn To Self Harm

Difficult relationships
Not doing well at work or in school
Being bullied
Financial problems
Sexuality confusion and realisation
Physical, sexual or psychological abuse
The death of a loved one
Miscarriage
The inability to cope with strong and powerful emotions such as anxiety, loneliness, anger etc.
Underlying, un diagnosed and diagnosed mental health disorders such as Schizophrenia, Borderline Personality Disorder etc.

So today is Self Harm Awareness Day...

A subject that is often over looked. This is a subject that speaks volumes to me, and to many others I'm sure. Self harm is often tarred with the old "attention seeking" brush but what people don't realise is that it is a very real and a very serious issue for the majority.

People often forget that self harming isn't just limited to cutting and self mutilation. Self harm can range from eating disorders to drink and drug problems. Those seem to be less frowned upon by the masses. When people see someone with a serious drinking problem or battling anorexia, they want to help and try to help. Yet for some reason, if anyone takes notice of the cuts and scars on someones wrists etc, they are usually greeted with a very harsh toned lecture, branded the infamous "attention seeker" and then backs are turned and they are left to struggle on alone...

This is something I deeply despise and it angers me to the core.

It's no secret of mine anymore. I'm a self harmer and have been for nearly 17 long years. It is no where near as severe as it used to be but it's still there. It all really started after the death of my Grand Father, whom I was incredibly close to and around the same time my Mother left my Father. At 7 years old, I was at a loss and felt so alone and afraid. I had no idea what to do, no one wanted to talk about anything with me. I was also bullied in school and had no real friends, so I couldn't turn to anyone there. I just remember that one day when I got home from school, I went up to the spare room at my Nanas, sat down in front of the mirror, sobbed uncontrollably and started tearing my hair out very violently. After the tears and tearing stopped, I felt better. For that moment in time, I felt stable and a little more "human" again. I kept this up for a while, even being unaware I was doing it. My teachers had reported to my parents that I was pulling my hair out and by now the bald patches were beginning to become obvious. My Mum told me she was taking me to the doctor to find out why my hair was falling out, I remember saying I was pulling it out and I remember very little beyond that. I started finding less obvious ways to vent it out, digging my nails into my arms, legs, hips etc and by the time I reached high school I had began cutting.

Things only got worse from their. The bullying continued, stresses at home were high, I still couldn't deal with the loss of my Grand Father and was having some really bad times with my first boyfriend. I cut more and more but it wasn't enough. I got into a bad crowd in school, started dabbling in things I shouldn't have. It was all one big escape. My parents moved me schools but ti didn't stop me. I felt alone and at a loss, so the cutting continued along with drinking now. I remained like that after I left school.

Stress at home got worse, I still couldn't deal with the loss, and I ended up living alone at a far younger age than I should have been. I was scared, the loneliness got worse, the anxiety got worse and the cutting and drinking got worse. I tried talking to the doctor about it and was quickly dismissed. I still didn't feel like I could ask for help...

I fell into some awful relationships, ended up in situations that would make my Mother cry if she knew and wasn't living life, just existing. The cutting almost kept me going. If I could feel that "human" way for 5 minutes, it made it all ok for a little while.

I met someone, who had me convinced they were different and I believed them. They let me open up a little about how I felt and tried to help me get passed the cutting. For a while I felt safe and secure. I fell pregnant too. Things seemed ok, but then the true colours started showing and my world was in chaos once more. All the precious secrets I told, all the feelings I had confessed were being used as ammo against me, my mind was being warped and I cut again. I told my midwife, she told the doctor and again, nothing was done...

I ran. Left everything including my precious child for 6 months because I couldn't cope with anything any more. I just wanted to die. I failed as a mother and that hurt me the most. I cut, I drank and done far worse things because I just wanted the pain to stop...

Eventually I dragged myself to the doctors and begged for help once more and this time, I got it. It's been 4 years since I asked for that help, my kid is back with me, where he belongs, I am seeing a Psychologist, have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and getting all the support I need.

I saw it as a way to cope with some of the most difficult times in my life as do many other self hamers. The self harm was a way of coping with and controlling the daily emotional roller coaster I'm on. I still cut from time to time, but those times are rare now. I'm still on my road to full recovery.

So, for anyone who self harms I have a little advice. You are not alone, never feel alone. Talking will help, just find someone you feel you can fully trust. I promise it will get better. There is a light at the end of that long dark tunnel, just reach out and grab it, never give up and keep on fighting. This is a battle you can win.