Pigs and Lilac

What do you remember about the people you have loved and who have died? Important things? Little things? Painful things? Moments of joy? Does it depend on where you are in the grieving process? Does it depend on the manner of the going?

My sister, Gill, collected pig type ornaments. Loads of them. At her house she had a beautiful lilac tree which we used to stand next to inhaling its perfume. I decided a couple of weeks ago to plant one at our new house to mark the first anniversary today of her death on 17 Feb 2020. It arrived just in time to be planted today. I didn't realise it at the time but I actually ordered it from a company called Three Fat pigs! Coincidentally, the vets phoned me to tell me that Rainbow the cat's ashes were ready for collection so I have buried Gill's long lived and much loved cat alongside her tree.

As this anniversary has approached, I have come to understand that I will never understand the why and the wherefore of Gill taking her own life. I can only speculate in a form of self torture. I need to let go of a search for reason somehow. Focus on the good times and the support we managed to give each other from time to time. Look to the future aiming to do better. Be better. Be careful with words. Be kind... always.