Goodbye

I've got writers block...

I've got so much to say yet words are failing me ...

This is my brother, I said goodbye to him on Friday. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do ... I miss him terribly ...

Michael and I lost touch many many years ago, you see he's my half brother. I used to visit him every couple of months with my Dad when I was little. I loved him, he was my big brother and he was big, a giant to a young girl with the friendliest, biggest smile. Always smiling.

As I got older my dad, my biological dad didn't really make an effort with me, couldn't really be bothered, he was the same with my older brother and sister too, we all lost touch and I didn't see them for about 15 years.

I searched many times to find Mike and eventually I found him, on the 26 August 2009 ironically through Facebook (he'd never like facebook, but my sister in law said he ate his words when I contacted them) He'd been searching too, we were so pleased to have found each other, chuffed I think was the word they used. We'd missed so much ... he was just as i'd remembered him ... my big brother with his big friendly smile.

On Monday 11th Feb I had just sat down when the phone rang, when I saw my brothers number I braced myself, something felt wrong, I thought he was calling to say something had happened to my dad. It was my niece to tell me my brother had died ... not my brother, what Michael? He'd woke early for work & his aorta ruptured, he'd have felt nothing ... 49 years old.

I have so many regrets, why didn't I see him more in those years since we'd got back in contact ... why, why, why? I'm so angry about that ... so many things I don't know about him, I thought I had all the time in the world to find out, but I don't.

My heart is breaking ... he was my brother.

I love you Mike x and I'll miss you every day x

Sleep tight xxxxxxx