Garden...

I’m not sure I’ve ever blipped my own back garden but I can’t remember for sure. I fear this may evolve into a rant... might need a cuppa...

So I’m the stair busybody who sorts out repairs and maintenance - of course I am! [insert rolling eyes here]. I’m forever out of pocket, it’s a thankless task. If you have some arse like me in your building, give them a lovely bottle of wine once in a while. (Just saying.)

This morning, a note came through from the letting agents of one of the landlords on the top floor, asking me for my 1/12th share of the emergency repairs on the roof.

First of all there are 16 flats in our block. Any share of a repair cost is therefore split 16 ways. Not 12. fanny

Secondly, I’m afraid if there’s a leak from the roof of one flat, there’s only one person to blame for that. Normally, I would agree entirely that the roof belongs to all of us. On this particular occasion, not so. The person who purchased said one bedroom flat, to make into a rental property, turned the room that is my kitchen into a second bedroom. Knock yourself out I say. Until I find out that said landlord has cut a hole in the roof to install a skylight. fanny

Apparently now that there’s a leak in his flat the roof is communal. [insert rolling eyes here].

I replied to the letting agent with a strongly worded only slightly verging on sarcastic response, remaining professional and firm, but clear that I would not be contributing to the cost of a repair that I knew nothing about. You would think that after his previous mistaken assumption that he owns his own roof and therefore doesn’t need permission or a building warrant, his client would have thought twice about making the same mistake again. I’d like three quotes to ensure that I’m not paying for a leaking skylight. Okay, one would have sufficed given the circumstances. Even a phone call or an email as an advisory would have been civilised. Don’t hand me a squint copy of an invoice and demand money for work I know nothing about. fanny

I decided to keep my neighbours informed and added a note to my letter requesting they pay their annual share of £18.75 to employ the gardener over the summer. It’s not a lot to ask I don’t think.

I popped them through the doors and no sooner had I sat down at my desk and my phone rang. Guy from the ground floor saying thanks for the note but he wasn’t interested in using the communal garden so wouldn’t be paying his share. He told me that he’d just bought the flat and didn’t appreciate someone asking for money for something he has no interest in using. fanny

I explained in a kind, hopefully non-patronising manner, that as a property owner, he owned a share of the garden. I asked him what would happen when he came to sell his flat, and the prospective buyers couldn’t see in the garden for grass that was ten feet tall... I’ll just leave the value of your property trickle down there shall I? Three different explanations I gave, and three times I listened to him repeating that he doesn’t want to use the garden. fanny

Eventually I politely said that he should check his title deeds and his responsibilities as a homeowner, there was no rush for the money and if he didn’t pay then that was up to him, I’m just trying to be neighbourly in organising the gardener for the benefit of all our properties. You know, the ones we all own. fanny

I added an extra paragraph to my note asking whoever owns the wheels and tyres which are blocking the back stair, to shift them and improve the fire escape opportunities. fanny

The gardener text me last week to check if I wanted him to start back. I said I’d go and chase up the neighbours for their share and let him know. I’ve asked him to come and to cut the hedges as well. They’re ridiculous.

He’s coming next week. He’s magic you know... like a little fairy who waves her magic fucking wand and *poof* we have a tidy garden!

I really, really thought my days of dealing with fannies were over.