Shena, the Garden Fairies bezzy mate!

The title says it all. Our first social occasion in years, or so it seems. Cream tea. Did you know you can now buy Strawberry cream? Oh my hips are swelling. 

Contrary to common belief and historical inaccuracies, Gluteus Maximus was not the leader of the Roman armies in Gaul or a good friend of Russell Crowe.

There’s a tenuous link here. The extra image is a section of a tablecloth made in Sarawak, East Malaysia, by skilled ladies who did all this by hand. Two tablecloths and two dozen napkins could be purchased for sweeties. The ladies worked for a Chinese Dressmaker called Jackie, her establishment was hidden away in a house, you popped in, were measured and then discussed your requirements. I can write about this process authoritatively because she also made clothes for gentlemen, or as I must now supposedly call myself they/those.

There was a problem. Jackie was Chinese; Chinese do not, in the main, have a large Gluteus Maximus. I did, being a rugby, squash and swimming nut. My small biological database put this lack of a ‘Glute’ or a pair of Glutes down to their propensity, from birth, to squat. This stretched the muscles and made them long and thin, hence no butt cheeks. To put this in context, Jacky measured me all over, nice, then made trousers and shirts in lightweight materials. The highly anticipated fitting session caused me gales of laughter. She had made the trousers beautifully, to fit a Chinese type male of my measurements. No butt cheeks were allowed for. The trousers fitted as long as I stayed still and did not walk or sit. “Titter ye not,” as Frankie Howard used to say. 

Elaine had glorious silk clothing, silk tops, silk dresses and Kaftans that Demis Roussos would have died for, if he could have fitted into them. Eventually I had hand crafted, superbly fitting trousers and shirts. These days all my tailoring needs are met by Lands’End, the clothes are still made by traditional methods in the Far East but are nowhere near as much fun as Jackie’s products.