Better Than A Boy

My Dear Princess and Dear Friends,

Thing One: I effing LOVED having a good long chat with the Princess on Monday night. She makes me smile from my heart. Also she talks abouts foofs and bums a lot.

She knows her audience.

Thing Two: I wanted to talk about Ellie today. But first; context. I'm a big context man.

So at MPI my team was structured thus: there was Smock and there was me. That's it. Between us I  did effing everything while she hovered over me like a farting vulture, chasing people away from my desk because - and I quote - "I'm not payin' YOU to talk to 'IM."

So that was horrible*.

Meanwhile at Slack, we had not one, but TWO project managers for every project. An IT PM and a Change PM.

There was also a Change BA but really, eff knows what these people did. The two PMs would collaborate on a plan designed to effect maximum stress and inconvenience upon everyone. And then the Change BA would shadow me like an irritating mime, repeating my words in his documents and ticking boxes no-one ever actually checked.

We also had SOLUTION BA's at Slack. I think they split their time between having affairs and playing Sudoku. Occasionally one would rock up at my desk with a picture of a stick man traversing a dotted line toward a coloured box and then hang around like they were waiting to receive the Turner Prize for Pointless Effing Documents or something.

The organisation at Kainga Ora is quite different but I glean there are still plenty of pointless people around. But not on Team Gromit.

Take Fazzi for example. I was SUSPICIOUS of her from the outset because she is a "Change and Engagement Specialist".

Hmmm. That sounds like a Change BA. "Great. More work for me," I thought when I met her.

But no. Fazzi is AMAZING. She makes my life so much easier. Essentially she's a BA with better social skills.

Now that I see someone doing the job puh-ROPERLY I see the value in it. Prior to this it was something I kinda sorta half-arsed as part of the BA role because I didn't know it was an actual THING.

Another role I didn't know was a Thing is "Project Cooindinator". Which is what Ellie is.

I TOLD you we would get to her eventually.

From what I understand, a PC is there to assist the PM and essentially to act as Sub-Team Leader like on The Apprentice. This frees Shenée up to be AWESOME on our project. And gives Project Managers on other projects free time to play Sudoku and have affairs.

We LOVE Ellie. She is a MACHINE. She talks FAST. She is really SMART and FUNNY and she digresses. A lot.

"That reminds me... this one time..." she will say. And she's OFF!

Not that this matters. Shenée also digresses a lot.

Actually. So do I.

Interesting.

A Digression: Ellie can rip a banana in half.

How this became a thing I do not know. Maybe it is because she is very fit and does ju-jitsu. Anyway. It sounded like an experiment. Like, "I wonder if i could rip a banana in half?"

And she could! And she did! In its skin! And everything!

A colleague tried it. And he got covered in banana.

This is because Ellie is BETTER THAN A BOY.

This is her catchphrase, her mantra. She learned it at the age of about 10. She explained that she would help her dad in carrying and holding heavy things when he did DIY.

On one occasion she was holding up a board to the ceiling while he fixed it in place. It took a long time and it was really heavy. Her arms were in pain and she began to buckle. She begged for one of her brothers to help.

"We don't need them," said her dad. "You are better than a boy."

"YES! YES I AM! I AM BETTER THAN A BOY!" said Ellie, her strength returning.

And she is.

Don't tell her I said so.

She is very funny. She has regular debacles with taxis.

"Don't even get me started on taxis," she sighs. Typically they are dangerous or smelly. Ditto the drivers. I don't know how she does it. I've never experienced this.

She told us she got into one of those little couple fights by text because her fiance wouldn't call her a Corporate Cab and suggested she call a regular (cheaper) cab instead.

She went all caps on him.

SHOULD I HAVE PINK OR WHITE ROSES ON MY CASKET WHEN I DIE BECAUSE NO CORPORATE CAB???!!!

She asked.

He knew well enough to appear in person and to order her a Corporate Cab.

"Long story short; it was clean and I didn't die," she told us.

But now Ellie is changing roles from Project Cooindinator to Change Trainer.

Do you see? Do you see what I mean about job titles? I mean. "Change Trainer". What even IS that?

It turns out that it is sort of Fazzi-ish. And the two of them will now work together. But anyway, whatever it is I know she will be amazing because BETTER THAN A BOY.

But the good news is that while Ellie is moving on she is not actually leaving us.

Ha! Did you reckon without SHENÉE??

YOU FOOLS!

UNDERESTIMATE GROMIT AT YOUR PERIL!

Literally AS SOON AS Ellie was moved, Shenée was all over it. Putting in resource requests and describing her specific need for a Change Trainer with the ability to rip a banana in half.

So our Ellie is now flying. Much like our beloved Snuffleduck, which I drew (above) for a presentation.

AND we have a NEW Project Cooindinator! Her name is Corrie. She does not yet realise she has won the Project Manager Lottery by getting Shenée, but she will.

And anyway, she has Ellie to help her. That is more than enough. She is so much better than a boy.

S.

* I remember at the time thinking, "Oh she's not so bad" because I HAVE had worse PM's than Smock. But now I have been spoilt. The longer I have spent with Shenée, the more I realise just how mean-spirited, petty, life-hating and actually cruel Smock was. I feel sorry for 2018 me.