Through the Gate

Thank you so much for the kind comments on 

https://www.blipfoto.com/entry/2844928625457759846

Inevitably, and without regret, I let him back in. Rather It was me that contacted him because I was missing him so much .We talked and talked and talked . He apologised we got back to enjoying each others company and having good times. I don't regret going back and trying at all..

And then he started with the drunken abuse . Again. And he wanted to keep me a secret as " it works best that way " 

I have had to walk away and it really is the hardest thing I have had to do. When he is kind he is delightful to me,  we get on we have fun, we have so much in common and I remember how good it was at the beginning. 

This time he even promised to go to therapy but the next day denied it all and told me he didn't love me 

I gave him the world on a plate for his 50th birthday 3 weeks ago ( not before yet another event of drunken phone abuse 2 nights before )  and then he turned. Again. Then what would have been our wedding day came and went , it was a very painful and distressing day, he ignored it. I don't think I have ever felt so sick from upset as that day. Its my 50th birthday tomorrow and I know he won't care enough to recognise it. The birthdays and the wedding were the 3 special weeks for us . A very emotive time . Am sure it was for him too .


I think I have worked out what is happening. I am intelligent enough to know that all his actions are the actions of a man who doesn't care one iota for me and who seems to get pleasure out of hurting me. I know and agree I am worth more . I think this is trauma bonding .I have read so much about it and it's very hard to break  it's akin to coming off heroin .

Luckily i have an assessment for specialised therapy next week (EMDR, have been told it's like magic beans . Hello bring in the Jack and Beanstalk therapy! ) . this it to try and heal and to also look at my own issues and how they may impact my reactions to situations and my behaviours.

My mental and physical health are poor and THIS IS NOT ME ! this is not where I want to be . My emotions are high it's affecting my sleep , I feel physically exhausted and depleted, I look terrible and I feel like something is eating away at me inside. I wanted to die last week, I would never do anything about that but the feelings of hopelesness were overwhelming.
I understand some of the physiology. Stress causes high level of cortisol which can cause blood sugar disregulation , weight gain, insomnia ( tick, tick, tick ) . And dopamine the drug that you feel when you have some affection is of course the one that makes you feel great : mood regulation, memory, digestion . I am rollercostering between the two hormones. Something has to change .
This is not sustainable. I will burn out and become poorly long term if I don't address things . 

Yes I do still love him,  because I understand the basis for his issues and he has finally admitted them, and under his difficult ,sometimes unyielding shell, he can be lovely and I care about that lovely trapped person .BUT I have to start loving me again . We all have issues and I try to work on mine all the time because I know I can be a class one pain the arse sometimes.  When he's caring,  he really IS,,and I am happy with him,  but he can be so vindictive when drunk , everything you see in the films etc about this is a true depiction of what it's like .It's heartbreaking. I don't want him suffering as he clearly is. but I can only look after me . I have been very clear to him about the impact of his actions and issues have on lots of people and I hope one day he has the maturity and bravery to seek help . Because he deserves better for himself than to be scarred for ever by drinking and the effects of the trauma in his formative years. I understand his addiction to drink is a reaction to trauma and that's awful for.him.

But bollocks my big 50 is tomorrow and I need to reclaim me and make it a significant birthday.

50 is loaded for other reasons too. My Dad died at 50 so tomorrow feels huge 

Wish me luck folks, I am going through the gate into my next decade ..

And I really am going to get back to doing Blip more regularly and see the beauty in nature,because that it always there . Nature is grounding and consistently beautiful.

And I look forward to engaging more with you guys all again and seeing your journeys and gorgeous photos 

Love to all


R
XXX