Reasons to Stay Alive

Second session of therapy today.

i am enormously priveleged to have this . The waiting list for therapy is massive .. This is EMDR for PTSD. We are currently doing stabilisation to ensure I am safe to do the actual work ..My understanding of EMDR is that it can get worse before if gets better , I analogise this to having a dislocated shoulder , it hurts like fuck to have it put pack into place but then it heals .

I am in a period of shock, I haven't been well for months and I have spent all that time worrying about he who shall not be mentioned and his mental health. if I loved him a little bit more if I made more allowances, if I got more people to help him. And all that time it was me I needed to love and concentrate on. I was in some kind of pergatory since January , because he would never tell me our engagement was off and 6 weeks ago he was still agreeing to go to couples therapy ,until he sobered up and declined. And all that time there were numerous other partners and this history of the hideous stuff that I can't bring myself to write.Every time he didn't answer his phone , every time he was too tired to come see me. It's so difficult to process.

The last ten days have been massive, spoken to his exes and there are serious patterns of narcissistic ,pre meditated , controlling behaviour with all of us . When I look back now at old messages and recount old memories and messages his house mate sent me, there were red flags all over it . I have been so naive . It is nauseating . i can not explain what this has done to my core and my soul . Which of course is exactly the aim of a narcissist. I was in a great place when he met me, happy, glowing , going places , sorted, ambitious , lively and full of Rachness. That's what Narcs go for , everything they haven't got and they will systematically break you down .
i have had a friend do through this 3 times and she warned me months ago. One of his exes wrote me a letter to warn me 3 years ago but he told me to have nothing to do with her as she was trouble so I never got the letter.

To outsiders, the answer may be easy, just move on, don't think about it. I can only say that this stuff is so insidious, that it has has been breaking my soul for at least 18 months . i am doing my very best , but I have flash backs, I am trying to erase it all but then I feel a disconnect from reality. This stuff can genuinely turn you inside out.

twice in the last ten days I have not wanted to be here. to be clear I am not suicidal, I have just wanted the pain and the shock to dissipate . i have put up with emotional abuse and gas lighting. Oh the times I have been told I have a bad memory ( which is exactly what he did to his house mate when I read house mate's old messages ) . There was talk of coercive control and financial abuse that his house mate confided in me . and I have not reported it when I should have done, because I was blindsided by what I thought was love . I was a fool and I was wrong and subsequently found out his tangled web was even worse than I thought .

I am not sure what the path is ahead of me . I do know

1: I have a wonderful life with wonderful kids and friends
2: My boss has been so understanding of why I can not work currently, she does not want me back until I am safe not to make mistakes. she is happy to put me into a none clinical role when I go back . I could not ask for a better boss
3: I have books. there will always be books
4: I have talked to police about all my concerns and it has a crime reference number and is there should anything else ever happen
5: I have therapy

I am not quite free yet due to the flahbacks because that's what PTSD is , but I have systems in place