Dark Day

H's funeral today, just as unbelievably painful and upsetting as I imagined it would be. 

I could have avoided going, but I knew in my heart that I had to go; part of me needed to see it to begin to accept that something so awful had really happened, and also because I needed to see my friend and say goodbye to her properly. 

Surreal doesn't even begin to describe it. I really sobbed during the service - well, I was trying not to, but it was very difficult. I think my emotions had to be put on hold for the sake of work, and I really lost it as we left the church, and hadn't cried like that since the first week that it happened. 

Seeing H's poor mum at the wake afterwards broke my heart- I hope that she can find some comfort in how much we all loved her beautiful daughter. 

I feel so sad, angry, confused - but I'm beginning to try less hard to try and make sense of the senseless. 

I can't say goodbye as it's too painful.