Too much

You may just want to skip the write-up today.
I'm at a low ebb after a wee setback, but I decided to record it - partly for my own info. as it can help me to sort things out in my head but mainly as an offering of an explanation to the friends who I let down.

I'd been looking forward to it for ages. A nice wee day out, the company of lovely friends, and the opportunity to meet some new people too. All joy, joy, happy, happy.

Yet, for someone like me with Fibromyalgia, there is always a little trepidation and anxiety attached to even the most pleasant of schedules. The pain and exhaustion just wait, lurking in the shadows, ready to pounce. That I can cope with, but the letting people down part is the worst, and I don't think I'll ever get used to that.

It's like having a vindictive, spiteful person within your body. Just when I'm having a great time, the bitch will kick in, beating me up and leaving me battered and bruised.
Every step becomes heavier and harder, like shards of glass in your muscles and tendons. Every inch of me screaming in pain, body begging for a stop, a sit-down, a rest. When the rest does come, the glass gradually melts but leaves residual aches and creaks. Bending is no longer an option.
Brain function follows, along with foggy thinking, lack of concentration - where I can't finish the simplest of sentences, and then, sometimes, depression and anxiety.

I think the latter comes from the exhaustion, and maybe also from the (always newly revelatory) fact that I'm no longer in control of my body. I'm 41, but I rarely feel it. In my head I'm 23, but in my body it's more like 83.

Being alone is easier, as no explanations are necessary. No 'putting a brave face' on it. I can collapse if and when I need to. But the need for joy, laughter and good company lures me. I plan, I hope, I try, I fail.

It's a cycle that I refuse to accept somehow. It would feel like giving up on life at a time when - after a long period of numbness - I've rediscovered just how much I crave it, want to drink greedily of it, fill myself up with it.

And so today I give in to it. I will rest, sleep, sleep, sleep. And tomorrow I'll try again. One day I'll be right. I will beat the bitch inside me. I will not let her win.


(Apologies for letting you down. I love you both dearly xx)