Spidey-sense

I have recently found myself starting to slip back into bad habits and touting myself as having something to offer to a prospective partner.

Anyone who has spent more than five seconds in my company or read even a few words of any of my blips will know that this simply isn’t true and that any romantic entanglement with me should be avoided at all costs. 

I have promptly nipped that nonsense squarely in the bud before chiding and forgiving myself for the disappointing lapse, which I am going to put down as an attempt to alleviate the tedium of the winter evenings.

I am tempted to put down a marker, to be strict with myself and say that regardless of what happens, I will spend 2022 single and learn how to get comfortable with it*. If I am being honest, despite the fact that my most recent marriage ended almost three years ago, I still don’t think that I have given myself enough time and space to adjust to being on my own when the children aren’t here and accepting that it is perfectly fine to be so.

A colleague kindly enquired after my mental health today, and also asked me to explain what anxiety was like and how it was affecting me as he’d not really had any experience of it. I told him to think of Spider-Man and how his spidey-sense is triggered when danger is nearby. Anxiety is having that sense triggered (often for minor, inconsequential things), but then being unable to turn it off again, leaving the person in a constant state of heightened awareness in preparation for the worst that could possibly happen. All involuntarily of course.

The effect (on me anyway) is feeling completely drained from the constant tug of war in my brain between the irrational side (aka. The Chimp – mine is called Ronnie) running amok, flinging faeces and generally freaking out about things beyond its control (and that don’t really matter) whilst the rational side patiently tries to calm it down with a soothing voice and a banana. This internal dialogue goes on almost constantly from the moment of waking up through working, playing and trying to raise a family, which is what makes “being present” such a challenge to the anxious. The cruel irony is that “being present” would actually solve the problem for most anxiety warriors! 

I’m not sure if my colleague regretted asking the question or not (?!), but he was very supportive and I don’t think he had any idea of how much he’d helped me just by listening to me talk about it.

Anyway, that’s what has been bubbling around my brain box today and already I’m feeling good for getting that out there as we head into the weekend!

What’s fresh with you?


*Unless Gal Gadot returns my calls.