Burns Night

I think that by now it is common knowledge that the Wild Haggis has two short legs on their right and two long ones on their left, so that they can run clockwise around mountains.  However, I suspect not many are aware of how they are actually caught.  A team of beaters ascends the mountain and starts to walk in an anti-clockwise direction shouting the phrase “Haste ye back, yer wee boggin bawbag”.  This stops the Haggis in its tracks; it then does an about turn and starts to run in an anti-clockwise direction to escape.  Of course, this immediately renders it unstable as the short legs are now on the downward slope of the mountain, so it loses it’s footing and rolls to the bottom.  Invariably, they are stunned by the fall so a team of collectors at the bottom can quickly retrieve them.  The haggis are then carried down off the mountain in the legs of an old pair of trousers which has had the bottoms sewn up so they can’t break free; hence the oft heard cry across the hills of ‘Donald, where’s yer troosers’.

Incidentally, the job of beater has been kept in the same families for generations; so much so that the beaters themselves have developed a shorter left leg than right, enabling them easily to walk anticlockwise around the mountain.  They have a reputation for being very kind, so if you ever find yourself with a bit of a problem in the Trossachs, just look for a man in a kilt with one leg shorter than the other and ask him to sort you out.

And for all people celebrating Burns Night this evening, whether as a serious appreciation of Scotland’s Bard or just as a pleasant diversion from the dark and dreary days of January, have a great evening and may yer lum reek.