Brilliant. Be brilliant.

I didn't feel anything yesterday. I felt surprisingly empty. I did take a moment, as I sometimes do, to remember that May day in 1979 when I can see distinctly and with surprising clarity my mother sobbing in honest and unveiled desperation. I knew something was not good and I knew that the not good something would impact on us. I was only 6, the same age as my Rudy is now.

I think of this moment especially when I am struggling with decisions that are made over which I have no control, but which have had a direct impact on me and now my family. These have been plentiful (if this is not too absurd a choice of word: plump with plentiful promise) times; countless moments when I have thought that's enough now And we are lucky. I still have a permanent full time job. We have a home and we have a lot that others do not.

These times are not changing, yet. I want to believe that there is an alternative way. I want to think that there is another way. But, yesterday did not symbolise the end of anything to me. I feel no joy or promise. I want to feel empowered, but today. Well, it's not here.

And don't mention TB. Hell no.