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My Dear Princess and Dear Friends,

Caro and I had a pretty sad day yesterday. It's been hard to even speak due to a choking sadness that seems to have gripped us both.

Caro retreated to British cop shows on Acorn tv. As for me, I binged seasons 3 & 4 of "Stranger Things" which distracted me from thinking. 

I felt bad leaving Caro to go to work today. But I'd promised to give a presentation to people I didn't care about who weren't really interested in what I had to say.  Nevertheless I didn't feel I could weasel out of it. 

As usual, it was Ellie who cheered me up. She is a woman of depth and insight who has reservoirs of pain and sadness in her as well. But she's also just naturally FUNNY. Even when she's telling me about some of the horrid things in her history she can make me laugh out loud. 

Nothing seems to be able to squash her humour or her spirit. 

Today she bought a punnet of weird long grapes. They were labelled simply "Black Seedless Grapes" but they were this strange shape, long and thin.

"They are like mini-aubergines. Or rat poos," said Ellie, offering one to me. 

"The skin is REALLY sour though," she complained, grimacing. She tried sucking the inside out, leaving the skin behind with a SSSMMMMUCK noise. 

"Hah, that worked!" she said, delighted with herself and showing me the inside of an empty grape skin. 

This was in an online meeting with Fazlyn and Corrie, by the way. They carried on talking as if nothing OBSCENE was going on while Ellie made the strangest faces and the bizarrest SSSSHHHMMMUCK! noises.

"It's like sucking the crab meat out of a claw," she observed.

"Anyway, I'll chase Rosemary for the recordings of our..." began Fazlyn.

SSSSHHHHHHMUCK! said Ellie.

"Bah! I couldn't get that one!" she said. She showed the end of the grape to the camera on my laptop. "Look Fazzy, it looks just like a one-eyed trouser snake."

It did. 

I was CRYING.

"This one looks like a bumhole," she continued, showing me the end of a grape that looked like a bumhole. She put it in her mouth and sucked on it with obscene RELISH.

I could hardly BREATHE.

She continued on for the next ten minutes. Throwing the meeting into frequent disarray with comments like, "This one is too long to suck" and "This one is too hard". 

Oh, she knew fine well what she was saying. She successfully sucked one out and then showed me the empty inside. "Look," she said, waving it at me. "Flaccid."

Fazzy had her head in her hands and Corrie was openly giggling. As for me, I found myself choking again. But this time with sheer mirth.

Sadness and sorrow are a part of life, and I know this. It can rob you of your breath and leave you gasping with grief. Like a weight on your heart so heavy that it almost breaks your back. This morning I dragged my feet and sighed my way into the office. 

But friendship and kindness, laughter and affection are also a big part of my life. And I have my friends to thank for this. It doesn't erase how I feel about the death of Dave. The laughter and levity sits alongside it. It gave me back my breath and replaced sobs with childish sniggering. 

I've never been so grateful for friends. Or for bum-shaped weirdarse grapes. 

I might have to buy a punnet for myself tomorrow. 

S.