Ellie's Version of Events

My Dear Princess and Dear Friends,

So I just sent Ellie a long message about yesterday. It seems a shame to waste it, so I shall recycle it here...

My Message to Ellie
Okay so now I need to tell you about yesterday purely because you might find it funny in a first world problems whiny sort of a way. 

But I need to start by saying in all caps I LOVE MY WIFE SO MUCH I REALLY DO SHE IS THE SMARTEST, FUNNIEST, KINDEST AND MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I KNOW.

Now that I've put that disclaimer out there I can relate a story of how she got right on my effing tits yesterday.

So my story starts last week at Jeff and Manda's. They invited us around to CONTINUE celebrating my birthday which was well over a week old by this point. They really are just adorable and lovely. 

After a few beers Jeff discovered there was a Wedding Singer musical. "Oh my GOD! That's like my FAVOURITE film you guys!" he said. "We should totally go!"

He'd had a few beers. So had Manda. So had I. So I was floppy and compliant. However, I was getting ready to say "no" on account of CARO HATES MUSICALS.

But what surprised me is that Caro was also in favour of this idea. As you know, she cannot drink and has no excuse. Even in my semi-inebriated state I was like, "Really? But you HATE musicals... But... Really?"

And she was all, "Yeah! It will be FUN!"

So Jeff (drunk) bought the tickets right away. I now realise he was drunk for reasons I shall disclose later. 

Anyway.

So flash forward one day and Caro is experiencing musical-regret. "F*cking f*ck," she said. "And it's Whina movie weekend too. I don't get a day off from socialising. F*ck."

Now. Because I am just LOVELY I told her she could cry off going and flake out and I would go and represent on my own. But no, she said, she would go.... it would PROBABLY be fine.... And then she sighed (loudly). 

And THEN on Tuesday we got the news that Jeff had to fly back to the US because of his daughter being in hospital. Now I need to state here that we are LOVELY AND CONCERNED PEOPLE whose first thought was of Chloe and Jeff. But of course Caro's SECOND thought was:

"Ooh. Maybe this means we can pike out on the musical."

So Caro thoughtfully suggested to Manda that we didn't HAVE to go... it would be fine. 

But Manda came back and said, no no, Jeff is disappointed sure, but he really wants us to go and have fun. 

"F*ck sake." Said Caro. "He's being noble and taking one for the team. Now we HAVE to go. F*cking f*ck f*ck." And she stomped around all morning yesterday being "snappy snappy" as Shenée would say. 

(I should add that we asked Mo if he would like to take Jeff's place. Mo is our lovely reliable friend who just loves to hang out so he said, "Sure" despite the fact that he had never even seen the film.)

It didn't help that the weather was crappy. Trains were cancelled and it was buses which I find sh*tty and unreliable. (I stood at the goddam bus stop for 30 minutes last time trains were replaced and in the end Fazzy had to come and get me instead). 

So THEN Caro and I got into a semi-sort-of passive-aggressive fight about it because I was like, "Can't we just book a taxiiiii I mean, PUH-lease?" and she was all, "It's too much money". So I came up with a super-backup plan of getting a taxi JUST to Manda's then she drives us in, but spends the night at Mo's so she can drink.

"Fine. Fine then. Do whatever you want," said Caro. 

I decided to take this as approval. 

So we went with Plan Mo. And from there on everything went as clockwork. We had dinner at Moonsoon Poon, which was very nice. And then we went to the musical.

Now remember when I said I wasn't sure about Jeff's state when he booked the tickets? I mention this because while Manda, Caro and I were sat together, poor Mo was several seats AWAY. He was very nice about sitting with a bunch of strangers, but we just felt sh*t, waving at him and having him wave back.

And then it started.

Now. Do you know how you don't like musicals? Well neither does Caro. But you know how you enjoyed Hamilton? Well so did Caro. That was because it was a GOOD musical.

"The Wedding Singer" is NOT a good musical. It is all the things Caro HATES about musicals. I think she was expecting a musical about a wedding band who do 80's covers. But instead this was a regular musical with no 80's covers where people sing about their feelings while grinning over the heads of the audiences to the back of the theatre with their hands clasped to their chests to express suppressed feelings before throwing their hands out for the BIIIIIIIIIIIG FINIIIIIIIIISH and everyone whoops and applauds because it is only polite.

I tried to stay positive. 

And the acting in between the songs was bad too. Everyone was SO LOUD in discussing their HOPES AND DREAMS. It was like they knew how bad the show was but were trying to compensate by being extra enthusiastic. 

It wasn't all bad. There were SOME funny bits. But I found myself thinking of other things and occasionally looking at Caro who looked like she was sucking on poop-flavoured liquorice. 

At half time we all agreed that the show was pretty bad. "Oh my f*cking god that's 90 minutes in and we are only halfway through," said Manda. 

There was talk of escape. But... no... we should probably stay... 

Fortunately. The second half was not as long, and slightly better. Even so we had one of those post-show chats where you are trying to convince yourself it wasn't SOOOO bad. Right?

Manda was by now completely sober from the experience. She drove us to Porirua and we caught a taxi from there.

"Oh my f*cking god that was f*cking sh*t," said my wife who does not sugarcoat. I had to agree. But we were both grumpy all the way home.

When we got home Caro made herself a muffin split. Caro is currently on a muffin split BENDER. But she is not great with the cooking. Even a toaster can make a mockery of her. "OH MY GOD I BURNT THE F*CKING MUFFIN SPLIT," I heard her wail from the kitchen. And then she took out her frustration on the plates and cutlery.

She came stomping into the living room, grumpy as f*ck with her new muffin split. I put on a true crime show and she chomped it, cruelly. 

Then I think she must have seen me looking at her. "I love you," she said, softly.

I mean. It's hard. I know. And she's tired from her meds and she just wanted to be at home in pyjamas all day and not be out in the rain. So at that moment I loved her back. She is my little grumps, but then she says things like that and I just want to bring her ALL the muffin splits. 

I know you won't be along to Whina tonight. Which is a shame, because if you were to see her she would look glamorous and lovely and she'd be funny and amazing. 

But you would know - secretly - that she would really rather be home with a murder mystery on the telly, napping on her end of the couch with a cat.

S.