Weather beaten rose

In the garden after last night’s storm. 

I had to call the night nurse again at around 4am. B had developed a cough during the early hours, which was distressing him. He was struggling to breathe and complaining of pain. The same lovely lady who came and sorted his meds with some stronger ones.  She told me that cancer doesn’t kill you, it’s an infection or sepsis or similar. He has a chest infection. She said a few days at most. 

She left just before 6 and after sitting beside him for half an hour talking rubbish to him and telling him over and over to hang on because the boys were coming today, he was very settled. I fell asleep until 8am when one of the historic meds alarms went off.  Emma arrived at 9 and we saw to his personal care. All morning I kept telling him the boys would be arriving soon. 

He remained mostly settled and the boys arrived at midday. This was the first time that James and Liam had seen him so unaware, and I think were fully aware that this was all real. Daniel has been FaceTiming daily and quizzing twice a week so has heard and seen me dealing with him. I can’t put into words - the heartbreak in the room was tangible. They all spoke to him, we chatted, James tried to put the fan together! It got done eventually, but for such a simple utensil it was strangely I’ll put together. When Emma arrived again at 1pm we decided to put clean sheets on the bed too. Two fold, one to be able to slide up him better up the bed, and two to disturb
B him enough to come round and interact, how ever small with the boys. It worked, and despite the tears they all spoke with rather than at him, although he could not reply. At one point James said ‘smile if you can hear us’ and he did! 
We also decided to take one last photo. We are a family who takes photographs, and for us it was the last time for one of us just together, it will only be shared with close family, but I will treasure it. 
The afternoon passed with him sleeping and small awake moments. 

Their goodbyes will stay with me for a long time. We were all in bits. So sadly, but wonderfully, , as they left and passed the window, they all waved madly and he waved back! No words from me, he did see them and Managed to raise his hand and wave, enough too for them to see him do it. 

We are all broken already.