A Mission

I got up early-ish this morning, well, 8:45am.... I heard the rain start at 5am and it was chucking it down, but still so hot! It was weird to see cloud and rain, and the 'soup-bowl' fill up with water again.

I got ready and did chores, and then A texted asking if we should postpone as the rain was set for the day. I agreed, and went to mum's for a change of scene, not sure what I was going to do. 

It began to brighten up, and A texted to say if I wanted to go, she was up for it, so we went at 1:30pm. We took wellies, as it was still muddy, and I already ruined my trainers when I walked at Frensham ponds a few weeks back! 

We went to Winkworth Arboretum. When we went to H's funeral, A took her girls there to plant a memory box and to say goodbye in their own way, as they were sure that they didn't want to come to the funeral. Having attended myself, I can only imagine how horrific it would have been for them - I felt it, and I've got a lot of years on them.

I wasn't sure how I'd feel, but we walked and talked- well, it was more like a hike, up the wooded steps down the sides of the hills. The view was beautiful, and we suggested going again in the autumn, when the leaves are falling. We talked a lot about H, and also A's sister, who lost her husband suddenly in an accident just a few months ago. Lots of similarities between us in our grief- I'm still angry, still wishing I could change it, and that I could have stepped in. I want someone to pay, but I know that's never going to bring H back. I felt choked a few times, but I pushed it away, as I tend to cry late at night when I'm alone. Grief comes in waves I guess - sometimes it feels manageable, sometimes it's so raw. I still quite often feel utter disbelief, and I question if it really happened....

I'm not sure if I got what I wanted from it or not. We found the tree, and saw a couple of remnants of the decorations that the girls had tied around to decorate the tree. The wooden box underneath must still be there, undisturbed. I asked A what things that they put in there, and she shared, little notes etc. but also a lock or two of H's hair. 

I realised as I was walking with A, that I hadn't done a long walk like this probably since I walked with H. We stopped for a drink before we left, and then headed home. I was cold by then, having sweated to death hiking around and then cooling off quickly! 

Shelle texted to say if I could get there before Lou had her bath, then I could collect a care package of turkey bolognaise - yes please! So I hurried off to get it, then had my cup of tea and cake with mum. 

Home for a nice bath, and brushing the foliage out of my hair.... I wish I'd brought something to leave there for H, but nothing felt right. I had a little look on a gift website and immediately found the perfect thing, so ordered it right away. The first anniversary is coming up, and I think I know what I'd like to do that day. I thought about taking the little item to hang on the same tree, but maybe that's best for the girls to have, and I can find a new place, where we used to walk. That's my plan anyway. 


Why did this have to happen....