Landing gear

Another catch up

I had to watch for quite a while before this bee finally came into land - or came into flower, should I say?

Feeling low and crap continued for another day. I suppose I should have seen it coming really. We haven't been sleeping properly for a while, Richard's still coughing and wheezing badly, plus I'm the world's worst person for taking on more than I can manage. (Not more than other people can mange, just more than I can manage.) Hearing someone you love cough for weeks is really upsetting. It's also frustrating. He has limited energy, he seems unenthusiastic, and he's grumpy. When he's with other people he puts everything he's got into being sociable and polite, etc and then the Richard I get is exhausted.
Because I'm an introvert and like to be at home all the time, he's all I've got, and I miss the side of him that the cough is knocking out of him. When he's not falling asleep he's coughing and conversation gets annoying.

I'm annoyed that it's happening to us again. I feel like we've only had about a month of wellishness since the Autumn.

It's not just that though. My self-esteem has hit rock bottom and I've been wondering what I'm all about. Being a good mother and wife have always been really important to me (in my own feminist way), but I don't feel like I'm getting it right. I simply felt like a failure all day.
Tess had homework that I didn't know about and she should have done, I always seem to be on my own planet and not paying the kids enough attention. The housework and the washing pile are out of control, Richard's worried about money and I don't know what to do to make him stop, and I feel like I've ploughed too much money, attention and planning into trying to get the garden sorted this year - probably just because I needed a challenge. I've made it too important and now I can't stop because I've bought things so I have to carry on. To top it all I found quite a hostile note from Tess's school on the kitchen table saying that as she didn't have her PE kit in school she had to be excluded from PE. I'd washed the kit over the Easter holidays and forgot to give it back to her to take to school. It was the last straw on a big old wobbly camel who was already carrying too much on his back.

I forced myself to go for a walk, but the whole time I felt tearful, stressed and exhausted. If I closed my eyes I could have gone to sleep whilst walking. I also felt afraid I would see someone and have to smile or make conversation and I felt quite sure I couldn't do either. I just wanted the world to be completely empty and then go home and hide.
The walk didn't fix me at all. I saw the hedgerows coming to life and bees and bugs buzzing and it made me realise how little I'd achieved in our garden. There's bugger all for the bees at our place.

At home I tried to put together a garden arch to grow sweet peas and runner beans up, but it got the better of me and I performed a grown-up version of throwing my toys out of the pram. I yelled something ridiculous, stomped upstairs and got into bed. I woke up half an hour later feeling marginally better.

We plumped for all the comedy we could find on TV in the evening, so that the teens would sit with us, and I don't think Richard laughed once. So sad.