Sunday

Had to get up really early, for me, for the CPN visit this morning. 
The usual chat how was I etc. I sobbed through the visit telling them I feel awful, mood is getting worse, all I want to do is sleep to escape the thoughts, I am not eating, I am self harming more and I don't want to be here. I have told them every visit I want to die, I want to stop feeling like this. Because I haven't acted on this they don't see a problem. I am scared every day as to how to get through the hours. They know all this. 
They told me to use my distractions, which I am trying to do, but as my concentration for reading, colouring and tolerance for tv/noise is nil it fills hardly any time.  I am trying, I am getting dressed, showering and trying to keep the house tidy. They see that as 'I can't be that bad'. 
Their parting words were 'the plan is to have 2 more visits and we will discharge you'. They don't listen, they get to the 3rd week of support and cut you off despite how you are feeling. It happens every time I have had them. 
They are phoning tomorrow to tell me if I can have more diazepam, I didn't ask for it, they just want to push pills onto me to numb me and make me more compliant. (well that's my theory)
They left and I couldn't stop crying. 

Much later I forced myself out the door and walked. Once I started I didn't want to stop and I cried for the whole time. 

I didn't realise the sea would be so rough as it wasn't windy so was surprised to see those waves. They distracted me for a bit.