long time ago

but not in Bethlehem and, as far as I know, the holy bible doesn't say anything about it.

hang on, let me start again. 13 years ago.....it was a Wednesday. Biggest was 2 and had a high fever and a terrible, hacking cough. I was 39 weeks pregnant, revising for exams and my waters had broken on Sunday. Mr Spitzi was organising for his mother to fly to Edinburgh from Swissland to look after Biggest while they tried to prise Flea away from me....that night, Biggest slept away from home for the first time ever as our friends kindly looked after her until grandma arrived. I was taken into hospital (plans for a home birth scuppered by baby's refusal to heed the call of nature) for an induction. Mr Spitzi stayed with me - we thought that was a kind of normal thing to do but, judging by the lack of facilities and the strange attitude of the staff, husbands actually caring about their wife's welfare was not normal. That night, Mr Spitzi wrecked his back sleeping on a chair, the wreckage is still causing havoc right now...
By the morning, after an awful night, Flea was still quite happy inside and had no plans for moving. However, medical people being what they are, they felt that she was in great danger and must be removed immediately. So more drugs were pumped into me until I was in agony (which they offered me drugs for, I refused them) and I was shouted at for making no effort....anyway, after a day of uterine muscle pounding down on her, Flea suddenly got the idea and came out - in five minutes flat - this kind of "taking ages to notice and then being faster than speed of light" thing has remained with her and it's how she has been ever since. When she was born, she was put on my tummy and we could see our Flea for the first time. She looked just like my grandfather.
And then she started screaming. She continued with her screaming for 8 months. After which she may have stopped screaming - or maybe we just became immune to it. She learnt to walk really early, far earlier than she learnt any sense of danger. She only communicated with me and that mainly with sign-language. She ate slugs, drank out of the toilet, refused to wear clothes and was happiest sitting in saucepans, climbing on things and escaping. She spent the rest of the time sitting on my left foot clinging to my leg. When she was two she discovered snow - when she was three she started skiing - when she was four she discovered punk - and then we moved on to snowboarding, bass-playing, face-scraping, tooth-smashing......and now we're here, one day before the 13th birthday, the threshold being marked by a new iPhone of all things. Tomorrow, at her request, we are going to "look at Liechtenstein" - we are also going to go go-karting. I am packing bandages. My Flea is so big and strong that she can lift me up and carry me around. It would only need me to scream constantly and I could claim that we had come full circle. And no one has yet managed to prise her away from me. If she had her way, she wouldn't've bothered with being born because nothing is better than being with your mami.