The NHS, muscle roller and The Samaritans

Some of what I write tonight may not be very popular but I don’t care!

After another bad night’s sleep, I tried talking about how I felt. It’s a waste of time - well, talking about how I feel to those that don’t even actively listen is a waste of time, that’s for sure.

A combination of chronic, relentless pain, exhaustion, anger and frustration led me decide to ring the Pain Clinic to leave a message for my physiotherapist. I told the secretary I’m struggling, I am at crisis point. 

She knows me. Well, my voice anyway. I expect she rolls her eyes when she hears my name - I used to be a Medical Secretary (untrained) so I know how difficult a job it is, especially in the utterly broken NHS. She is one of the more empathetic secretaries, that’s all I’ll say!

I told her I wanted her to leave a message to say that I want my physio to refer me to the pain consultant within the Pain Clinic. She tried to fob me off by saying I would be seen by my physio in early January - I told her, no. I was told every six weeks so that would be around mid January.

I was incredibly polite but very upset. I said ask my physio to email me on Wednesday - she was on Annual Leave - and let me know one way or another if she will agree to refer me to the pain consultant. I told her I am at crisis point.

This evening, I tried talking to The Samaritans on web chat - what a waste of time and energy, particularly as my energy levels are non-existent at present. With the greatest of respect to anyone who may volunteer or who may have done so, I’m sure you did it from a place of compassion but it made me feel worse. 

I found it incredibly pointless. I was given no real guidance as to how to manage my suicidal feelings about my pain.

Fibromyalgia is a PHYSICAL, chronic health condition which causes anxiety and depression, not the other way around. I am not suicidal when I am in less pain. I want to live again. I can’t see it happening. The NHS place those of us who have the misfortune to be unable to pay for private medical treatment on endless waiting lists and we wait, we wait and we wait. We wait some more. We jump through the hoops to be seen. 

We ask our GPs to do their best to get us an emergency appointment as soon as possible. They are doing their very best. How many people are going to die before anyone stands up and says that this is unacceptable. Well, I have little clout but I’m saying it here. It’s not serving us.

Please keep your fingers crossed that the pain consultant agrees to see me as I have absolutely no faith left. I’m advocating for myself and I am trying to help myself and all I want to do is be completely independent of all this shambles.

I ordered a muscle roller with a telescopic handle online a couple of days ago - the only one available before Christmas was in pink so I settled for that. Hopefully it helps my neck and shoulders a little. My fibromyalgia toolkit is growing by the day.

I’m doing my best to do my physio exercises every day and I’ve reduced my caffeine intake and have not drank alcohol for a very long time. Sugar has crept in a bit again but I’m going to curb that.

I hope you have all had a much better Monday :) xx