The Sinking Ship......

You will undoubtedly have read that a new book is out this week, revealing the shocking truth of family resentments, sibling rivalries, and umm, Hallowe'en outfits......

It's called 'Bore' and it's all about me, me, me, and my fight to escape the cruelties of my family. It explains why they're completely to blame for my psychological problems, and why I need absolute privacy (apart from the TV interviews, the magazine articles, the book tour and the constant whinging on Netflix.)

Obviously it's going to cost you £55 + VAT, P&P and anything else I can think of, but here exclusively for you, are a few of the highlights:

REVELATION 1) As a child, my older brother damaged me mentally. He always made me play the tedious bits of any piano/guitar duets we inflicted on the family, and he used to win every game of Monopoly and Cluedo by changing the rules halfway through. On more than occasion, he nicked the Bounty from my Christmas selection box.....and I distinctly remember him calling me a twit only last week.

REVELATION 2) My father treated me with complete contempt, by being the best person I have ever known, thereby failing to give me a reason to criticise him at every opportunity. He had one full-time and another part-time job, in order to pay for our education and holidays, and when I ran away to Edinburgh, he cruelly bought two thirds of my flat outright, then paid half my mortgage until he died. No wonder I'm such a mess!

REVELATION 3) I get on really well with my sister in law. It's outrageous.

REVELATION 4) I killed three clothes moths last summer. They were eyeing up my cashmere jumpers.


And finally, the revelation that will surprise nobody at all- I'm an ungrateful, attention seeking, money-loving idiot, who should really shut the wotsit up, and stop embarrassing my family and myself.


Tomorrow, exclusively for you, I shall reveal how I tried coke at the age of 15.........before deciding I preferred IrnBru.