The return of an old friend

The granny bonnets are back!
I'm very pleased about this because the bees absolutely LOVE them.
These aquilegias grow without any encouragement and have been springing up in all sorts of places in the last couple of weeks. Today I finally saw my first flower.
This particular one wasn't hanging down like all the others, it was tilting its head up and peeking at me from under its bonnet, as if to say "Hello, my dear" just like a lovely, kind granny.
It was getting late and - YET AGAIN - I was desperately and moodily shuffling around the garden as the light faded, trying to find something to photograph, and feeling very cross with myself.

I've been feeling frustrated, wound up and... well, kind of trapped really. I'm fumbling for words and expressions from within a mood. Trapped isn't exactly the correct word. Trapped by my own weakness maybe; irritated with myself and my progress, I suppose. Annoyed that I'm failing to move things forward the way I've been intending to.
It's just stupid, silly and pathetic. I know what works, I know how I want things to be, I know what needs doing and yet I feel like I'm static - or moving backwards even.

I need a good kick up the arse, but I'm the only one who can give me that kick.

I need to get back into yoga and walking - what happened there and why am I not doing either? I need the energy and strength provided by moving and stretching.

I need to get back into music - I'm not playing the flute or the piano or listening to music - what happened there? I badly, desperately, massively need the lifting of the spirits provided by hearing music. It is so completely as if something lifts when I listen to music.

I need to write - Why am I not writing? I need the creative outlet to stop me from clagging up. When I'm not writing I start to get wound up like a coiled spring until I snap.

I need to eat less of the wrong food and eat earlier and drink less wine. What happened to my plans to always eat with the children between 6 and 7pm every night? I hate eating late - it makes me feel fat and keeps me awake at night. Why am I doing it?

I want to take photos that please me. I want to give myself a small amount of time every day to do this. When I'm not happy with my photos it somehow seems more time-consuming, and when I leave it too late I get too tired to organise or choose, or write anything down, so I feel deflated and can't be bothered. It's strange how something good - or that I'm pleased with at least - can happen really quickly and yet something rubbish can take all night.

I've missed filling in my blips in the last few days. I've missed out some family stuff that's happened. But I'm experiencing that clagging up feeling and it's hard to clear the good stuff from behind the endless fog.

I'm not as depressed as this is coming across. I'm more peed off and frustrated than anything.

I should be fighting harder.

Joel had another interview at the local 6th form college today. This time for a higher diploma in engineering and some other stuff.
Mum was supposed to come over for the afternoon, but she didn't make it again.

Tomorrow is another day, and if it doesn't behave itself I'm going to have to find something to smash.