Innocence

I have come to realise that as a parent, you do everything you can to protect them. Not just from danger, but to cushion them from emotional blows, to protect their intrinsic innocence for as long as possible.

Yesterday evening, I told James that his wonderful Great Grandma had passed, peacefully, early that morning.

Devastation does not describe his reaction.

In that moment, I felt that somehow, I changed. The world shifted a bit yesterday morning. It shifted again as my innocent child experienced crushing grief wrapped up in my arms. Strangely, at the age of 40, I also felt that any remainder of childhood that I had left me. I became an adult. I shifted up a generation. I do not like that shift.

My boy is mature and pragmatic. He was able to speak with me about grief. We talked about the range of emotions he is likely to feel, about how he might cope with different feelings.

This evening, after he has struggled at school and had a few moments where he has lost his balance a little, we have had a staggeringly deep conversation about life, death, relationships and such like. You would not believe me if I wrote in depth, but honestly, my mind is blown by his ability to process things, his understanding of people and of his maturity.

You can see it in his eyes. He mirrors me. But I think somehow, he might be stronger than me, in the long run.