The Pen is Mightier…

Today, I have been very fortunate to get some support with my health issues. 

This afternoon, I had a health appointment which was related to getting further support with my health issues.

I am trying to keep focussed on the future. Not looking back. Some days I succeed better than others but I am trying my best and it is good enough. I think I have a tendency to be too hard on myself at times.

I’m going to write a list now of all the things that I have survived from about four years until the present day. I’m listing these things not for sympathy or comments etc but just to remind myself and have an online record/journal of how strong I am, even when I feel weak.

Today has been good and bad. My afternoon appointment triggered a lot of trauma. I had to attend the appointment though (virtually) and woke up in excruciating levels of pain with my fibromyalgia. I did my best and got ready for the virtual appointment online, with the help of meds (which I need tweaked - seeing about that) and my trusty electric heat pad.

Things I have survived…

1. Domestic violence as a wee girl and teenager - both witnessing it (coercive control of my Mum by biological father) and physical, emotional, sexual, and financial abuse from both my parents - not sexual  or financial from my Mum.

2. Being sexually abused (assaulted) age eight years old by my biological father when I was off sick from Primary school. I was rarely allowed to stay off sick as a child or teenager.

3. Being bullied at both Primary and Secondary school for being “bright” and a “teacher’s pet”, predominantly by girls.

4. Being threatened with rape in my early 20s by my biological father if I disclosed his abuse of me as a child of 8 and 17.

5.  Changing career - as an English teacher - and finding new employment, which was due to bullying by a senior member.

6.  Gaining two university degrees by the age of 22/23 despite all of my childhood and adult trauma.

7. Surviving a near fatal car accident (as a passenger in February 2007) on the Dalveen Pass in snowy conditions on the way to a Council course when I was employed as a Workplace Literacies Project Officer.

8. Enduring an attempted rape by an ex-boyfriend in 2010.

9.  Surviving six months of pleurisy and then fluid on my left lung in 2011.

10. Enduring a negative relationship with an ex-boyfriend in 2012/2013 who was abusing painkillers.

11. My abusive biological father dying of bowel cancer in October 2012 - he wanted to die at home and got the priest at his bedside. My Mum nursed him. I did not mourn him.

12. Fleeing my Mum’s home (where I grew up from age 4) in July 2013 due to my younger, full brother physically attacking by kicking me on the right leg - I had fibromyalgia symptoms but didn’t know what it was.

13.  Living 28 days in a homeless hostel where I met some of the best and worst people I have ever met in my life.

14. Coming out of there and moving into a homeless flat for just short of a year - finding a job half way through that time after three years of long term unemployment despite actively seeking employment full time.

15. Being diagnosed with joint hypermobility syndrome and then fibromyalgia in 2014.

16.  Moving out of homeless accommodation and into my first permanent address with no help except from two friends.

17. Living almost a decade alone from July 2013 until the present day.

18. My Mum getting Stage 2 breast cancer in May 2019. Trying to support her despite my own health issues and getting no gratitude.

19. Enduring Covid and lockdown, the isolation of that and I was used to that due to chronic ill health. I was lucky to have friends who phoned me.

Please don’t pity me. I am a survivor and I am determined to thrive. 

I will not be a victim. I will be moving home soon and starting a fresh chapter, continuing zero contact with my Mum and younger full brother.

Thank goodness for wonderful friends and this Blip community.

I hope you have all had a wonderful Thursday :) xx