Misbehaviour

"You put the washing out and I'll do the washing up", the familiar banalities of a lifetime partnership, then a double-take as the inadvertent comedy dawned on me. A moment's sympathy for anyone having to cope with this kind of absurdity when learning English. Then we started trading the multidimensional nature of 'wash/ing'. Having worked for a US company, I've done more than one 'washup', which was nothing like my post-lunch 'wash up'. Following an afternoon on my knees in the garden, I could do with a wash down. Fortunately the 10% chance of rain did not materialise, so the afternoon was not a wash out

The wash goes in the machine, unless you are on a beach, in which case, take care. If you take a boat ride from Hunstanton to Skegness, you will create a wash on The Wash. The Free Dictionary has 13 different meanings for 'wash' as a noun. Let's stop now before we're washed out

When beekeepers describe bees as "badly behaved", they generally mean the colony has stung them once too often. Some also object to bees that "run on the comb" - they move quickly around when a frame is removed from the hive for inspection - perhaps this is also regarded as an indicator of aggression. Colonies that are "swarmy" - inclined to swarm early in the season - are also deprecated, because one way or another it results in lower honey yields

Towards the end of last season, we realised we were going to enter the winter with one more colony than we have full size hives. I decided to try taking the overspill through the winter in a small box, rather than a standard hive, something we have never tried before. In beekeeping argot, a small box that holds just a few frames of comb is a "nucleus hive", almost always abbreviated to a "nuc". This nuc is made from expanded polystyrene, so it is a "polynuc"

In fact, what you see is two identical polynucs held together with a rather overspecified strap that usually holds our canoe on the roof rack! The bottom one is the right way up, the top one is inverted - it is merely acting as a roof. Between them is a sheet of timber that keeps the bees in the bottom box. The empty nuc above is so that we have somewhere to put sugar fondant feed, that the bees can take through a hole in the board, as well as insulation (blankets and sheep's-wool) to help them retain heat

Somewhat to my surprise, they seem to be thriving in this shanty-town set-up, that I contrived in my head lying in bed one night. This colony were selected for the ghetto accommodation because they are the most "badly behaved" that we have - the undeserving poor, inclined to leave the hive and buzz noisily around our heads during inspections; prone to leaping on to my hand when I pick up a frame - looking as if they intend to sting, but then hanging their heads a little and walking over my fingers as if nothing is amiss; following us away from the hive when we have finished, grumbling about the intrusion

Despite all this, I still have a soft spot for them - they have survived some hard times and given us some honey in difficult circumstances. Handling them is a small challenge, and satisfying when it all works out. If they, and all the other colonies, survive the winter, we face a housing crisis. The hard-hearted realist would kill their now-aged queen in the spring and combine them with another colony to create a strong, productive unit. Being me, I might coble something together for them from derelict equipment lying under the hedge and see how it goes. Who knows - it will all come out in the wash