ANGER ISSUE

To me, it’s the worst emotion
It destroys you
It destroys the people you love
It destroys your entire humanity

My father used to have anger issues as he tend to lash out and beat the literal shit out of me and my brother, and growing up I was scared to be like him, I was afraid of unintentionally hurting the people around me, the ones I love. So I always hid my anger away from everyone but that was not the right way to deal with it. Every time someone upsets me I’d say “I don’t care” or “Doesn’t matter” and I let the anger build up inside me and eventually it’d be too much for me to handle and I’d lash out and hurt everyone.

Chill dude that secretly has severe anger issues.
That’s what I was
I thought I was just chill, I just didn’t care
But the things people say, it gets to me whenever I have the time to rethink about it.

I built a personality around the anger inside and started listening to metal as it exceptionally portrays the anger, and the depression hidden within me. I started to distance myself from other people and isolate myself to feed the anger and sadness inside. Not because I was anti-social or hated everyone but I was scared that I might hurt them and I was afraid that they might leave me so I had to leave first, to protect them. Bad idea, I know, but that’s what I did. I buried myself in the emotion I hated the most, and all that resulted in me hating myself more than anything. I was angry at myself, for not being what I wanted to be, for not being enough for even myself, I was angry that I treated myself poorly, even worse than the people I disliked. The thought of destroying myself consumed me as I tried to end my life, that was the peak of my anger, and I couldn’t hold it inside me anymore. In my mind if I destroyed what hurted the people in the first place, no one would be hurt anymore, I think of myself as a nuisance to other people as the only thing I knew how to do was offend them and then burn bridges.

After that traumatic experience, I started over again. I tried my best to make amends, to try to repair the relationships that I broke. I tried so hard that it made me even more angrier at myself for not being capable of fixing what I created, or destroyed. And it resulted in another suicide attempt, much more painful but at least this time I truly changed.

I acknowledged that some things are fucked, some things are out of my control, and I cannot let myself be triggered by what I’m not capable of controlling.

Just let go of it
Stop clinging to it
Stop letting it control you
Anger is a powerful emotion, it corrupts your mind as it takes over what you do. It takes everything from you. But you just gotta fight it harder than it can.
Find peace within.