Thursday

Walked through town as usual for therapy; the last week of the Festival and it is quietening down. Saw this paper plate face stuck on a lamp post (can you see two other faces?!)  I'm sure it made sense for something over the past few weeks. 
I am so glad I took time to look for a blip before therapy. 
I had yet another panic attack, first one in therapy and it was awful. Went through the motions of it with help then she tried some techniques with her . At one point I felt so angry; she told me to put my hands on the wall and push the anger away, but I was afraid that if I went anywhere a wall I would hit my head on it, similarly she told me to pace if I needed to, but too afraid to stand up and not to hit a wall. It was  a tough one. 
I came out of the panic attack and dissociated, she kept trying to bring me back. 
There is a reason for all this , she says. 

I took 4 hours to walk an hour walk, don't know how it took so long and I have not much memory of it. I came home and cried, hit my head and am desperately trying not to cut.