The Full Moon Cometh

On my schedule for today was “freak out.” Since I knew this would inevitably happen at some point before the school year started (a logical consequence of my habitual “deferred decision making plan”), this time around I decided to just schedule it in. Up to this point it has been very helpful. Whenever I started to feel a little panic rising up about the edges, I simply reminded myself “No, this is not the time. You have that scheduled for Saturday.” 

I was asked the other day, “So what does a freak out look like?” Well, it’s not entirely visible from the outside. It normally includes rapid breathing, clammy sweat, and for anyone looking closely, probably some jerky eye movements. There are also episodes of meandering, circuitous, and repetitive thinking. Also lapses in thinking. 

Mood-wise, I would say a classic freak out is characterized by a pervasive feeling of amorphous dread punctuated by outbursts of absurdist gallows humor (honestly, this last part can be rather fun, even euphoric, but it’s better not to lean into it too much). 

With any luck and a fair bit of skill, something like I imagine a big wave surfer might have, this freak out will also yield just the right amount of acceptable output, leaving one drained but safe on the other side. This, unfortunately, is not quite what happened today. I felt the tension rising about 5:00, and by 7:00 had to pack it in and head home. There will be more to do tomorrow, including, I’m afraid, the rest of my freak out.

Looking ahead, I have scheduled a bad night’s sleep for Tuesday. I plan to have difficulty quieting my mind, and will confront intrusive thoughts about a wide variety of unexpected situations that might arise and reveal my utter lack of competence or ability to behave in a socially expected manner. When I struggle with fatigue in the morning over my cup of coffee I will think to myself, “Right. This is fine. Everything is going to plan!”