Getting By...

Yes, yet another mobile balcony shot. To be honest, though, it's all I have in me at the moment... I'm struggling. I don't want to give up on this project, I want to see the year through and find the motivation to try really cool photos again... but yeah, at the moment it doesn't seem to be happening.

Yesterday brought about the firm realization that this cycle of IVF didn't work, which means that rather than finally spending the summer blissfully happy and planning a future of three... I will spend almost all of July AND August injecting, fighting off side effects, struggling to remain in control of my emotions and reminding myself of why I'm still doing all of this after 13 years (which gets more and more difficult as each month goes by). My next embryo transfer (if I'm lucky enough to have one) won't be until the middle of August at the earliest. Until then I will be in hormone injection hell.

I go back and forth between trying to have a positive attitude, knowing I've gone through so much already and thinking "I can do this!!" and soldier through to the end... to feeling completely shattered, hopeless, angry and fed up with it all. There's really no telling how I am going to feel from one day to the next or one minute to the next, even.

For now, at least, this is what I do. I take the time to myself, I sit on my balcony and enjoy finally having some sunshine, I read and try to tell myself that this will all be worth it in the end, even though my heart and my gut tell me the opposite. It's all I can do right now, distract myself and wait for these feelings of sadness and dread to pass. Feel and deal. Hopefully after a few days the balance will shift and there will be more of the positive soldier days than the hopelessly frustrated and sad.

Until then, it may mean a lot of boring balcony photos, because I don't have the energy or motivation for anything else. It's that or quit the project all together, so... yeah. It is what it is.