The Brown Crier....

Oyez, oyez, gather round to hear the latest...oyez, oyez!

Jeez, you gave me a fright. Pipe down, will you.

Don't be rude. I'm feeling incredibly emotional today. I keep bursting into tears every time I hear it! Oyez, oyez....

Hear what? What's upset you?

That terrible noise! Can't you hear it?

Ummm no. All I can hear is some music, but it's quite far away.

Music? That's him playing his Bazza Manilow CDs at full volume!

Him? Him who? Aaaah...the Bathgate Warbler? Well, he's 57 today, isn't he, and he's famous for playing Copacabana at full volume all day long on his birthday. The real worry is when he gets on the Edinburgh tram dressed up as Lola the Showgirl. Strictly between us, he really doesn't have the legs for those stilettos....

Well quite. And that corset should be at least three sizes bigger. But that's not what upsets me....it's the feathers.

Feathers?

Yes, the feathers in his hair. Where d'you think he gets them from? He's moved on from pigeon grey.....to robin red! I had twice as much fluff 'til he leapt out at me round the back of Lidl!

Lidl? He's always told me he shops at Waitrose.

Waitrose doesn't sell the fishnets he likes. Anyway, when you speak to him, will you pass on a message please....

Happy birthday?

That's it exactly. Happy birthday, Mr B. Xxxxx