Installed

Catching up with this on 13th November.
Waiting.
The rain is absolutely bucketing down.
Waiting.
I think we have a half made arrangement but it is in the air.
So I’m waiting.
It came out the blue when I got back home on Friday evening.
‘Up on Sunday for a few days …you’ll probably be working…’
‘No, that’s perfect…I’m just back and free to meet on Monday’

I texted on Sunday night to check in … 
‘… just arrived’.
I sent suggestions and said I’d travel to them to save them more travel…forecast grim, maybe lunch?
Not heard back.
So, it’s Monday, 11am, and bucketing down.
And I’m waiting. I kind of want to say I’m ill.

It’ll be fine, whatever, I have no expectations but it makes me anxious … and upset.
Part of/not part of … 
One thing for sure, it’s definitely part of aloneness and not really feeling any sense of place. 
Not knowing connection, or uncertain of connection and insecure connection/lack of.
It’s easier to bale out but I won’t. Just relax and chill, it’ll be fine whatever. It is as it is.

As for the photo…I was sent it last week with the text ‘he would have been so proud’…
Yes, I’m sure, although I think it might have been with some qualification about what it’s all about…the underlying drive, etc.
But yes, definitely, and such achievements, and a confidence that I find so hard to comprehend having never had the like.
I only knew it was happening because of one of the other kids telling me when we met up on 16 August, otherwise it would have been entirely out the blue 
… again, on that occasion, short notice and after a long time, and again with all the complex layers and feelings. It’s hard because I’m astonished they bother at all. I just need to go with it and accept it just as it is. All will be well, etc. As time passes it is so much longer apart than together. 
The feeling of drifting around in the world without anchor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gHxi-HSgNPc

Bloody social anxiety…I get it. All that internal referencing. Just ignore it. You know what to do. Knowing and feeling … you know exactly what this is all about. Let it go and just get on with it.
Yes, but (I do love a yesbut) I keep getting on with it and it’s still hard work.
Yes, but … that’s okay.

…yes, it is, I do know that …

Content and consciousness.

Approaching 11.30. It’s well over an hour’s drive away. Perhaps I should just make a coffee and get on with something.
I find being with and around people hard. Harder as I get older and coming from a low bar in terms of introversion and socially anxious.
Becoming more (even more) hermitic. 
Cuddy is good company.

11.45 … aha, a text … their plan. That’s fine, I can go with that … barring flooding…