This feels like my brain at the moment, scattered and random … although probably a lot less bright.
Crashed somewhat at the moment. 
Relentlessness of work. 
Just gone through a round of completed work that has spanned the year and which has had positive outcomes but left me reflecting on the feeling of having just kept going, ploughing on, and that it would be a good juncture at which to pack it in. Although to what, and for what, I am entirely clueless. Watching and seeing those positive outcomes unfold has left me feeling static.

Currently supporting someone back to work having lost their partner earlier this year has left me feeling that the relentlessness of grief has never been far away and ultimately I’m not sure how much it has done it’s thing. It just seems to hang around these days, more of a black dog perhaps. It was interesting to hear her saying that starting back at work is feeling like trying to join the track at Le Mans or a fast flowing motorway after being in an utterly separate universe. It was also interesting to hear her desperately wanting her partner back; that deeply profoundly painful longing. I was aware of not feeling that now. It has all been too long, too painful for too long and has long since disappeared, lost down a lightless oceanic trench of despair. Irretrievable now. I’ve probably linked to this before but it all reminds me of the Still Face experiments …https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1Jw0-LExyc
…and then taking it to the next stage where the equilibrium and relationship is lost and becomes more akin to those awful images of children that have been so neglected for so long and they are withdrawn and lost to another place entirely.

It can feel challenging not to project the fact that it’s grim and has felt relentlessly so for many years. Stuff, work, things, events(dear boy) happen, more stuff, the seasons, the moments of beauty, they all flow through on the surface but the pervasiveness of darkness below it all streams on like a Victorian sewer under London’s bustling shiny streets.