Reflective

Yesterday’s heat lingered all night. It was 21C when we pottered across the grass for breakfast this morning, and it had been a sticky restless night.

My restlessness was in part due to the weather, and in part due to Bill’s funeral taking place at 1.30am our time. 

In a very weird coincidence the funeral started at precisely the same moment as my wedding 25 years ago. I don’t often miss my Pirate, but last night and this morning his absence was hard. A walk, a shower and football in the garden with Bean put a smile back on my face and in my heart. We were so fortunate to have each other. I thank my lucky stars for him every day.

Anyway, back to last night: I set the alarm for 1.20 so that I could get to the live stream in plenty of time. However it turned out I couldn’t bear to watch it in the middle of the night in a half-sleep state. So I turned off the alarm and tried to get some decent rest before catching it delayed, this morning.

It was the right thing to do.

I cried for the first time since Bill died, starting with the intro music: Band on the Run. His favourite. The other music was delightfully eclectic: A Farewell to Stromness and Green Green Grass. Both saw me weeping afresh. 

Brother #1 read my words seamlessly. Other tributes and some poetry were read. And then we said goodbye to the boy. The end of an era.

I phoned brothers #1 and #2 after I’d dried myself off a bit and heard about the after-party in the local pub, where tales were told and memories shared. 

They are relieved it’s done. 

I now deal with the real tyranny of distance when grieving a loved one. For the 4th time in my life I have only my own thoughts and memories to mull over on a day to day basis. Yes, I can chat to family and friends about Bill when we phone or video call, but already they are far ahead of me on the road of grief and loss. I’m sure all of you who are living far from family will understand.