Chicago

Despite the lack of cooperation from The Chicago Tourist Board, Caro found a tour run by a company called “Untouchable Tours”.  Heh heh.  

So we bought our tickets and rocked up there to be greeted by "Southside" and "Al Dente" a couple of blokes who loved their work.  They wore fedoras and braces, and greeted me with, "Hey buddy, nice to meet ya?  Parsons party?  Hey, I was expectin' da vicar and his wife!" and Caro got a "Hey doll!  Howya doin?!"  Before we started, the two of them then explained that whenever you hear gunfire in Chicago - you DUCK.  Ya got that?

The tour started at a church where Southside told how bootlegger ex-florist Jaime Weiss was gunned down for selling his own stuff. "Oh, it was horrible," interrupted Al, "jeez, I never seen so much blood..."  "Okay, thanks Al," replied Southside.  "I mean, he was like a sieve by the time the ambulance came..."  "Yeah, okay, we got the picture already, Al..."  "I mean there was a whole in his head so big, you coulda put your hand right through it..."  "Enough already Al!!"  It was like that for the entire trip. 

Gangland Chicago is rather disappointing site-wise - most of the historic sites have been torn down (presumably by the Chicago Tourist Board) and so there is only a vacant lot where Al Capone's headquarters used to be and the location of the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre is just a parking lot.  Maxwell Street, one of the oldest neighbourhoods, was in the process of being demolished as we drove through it, but it was still a great tour thanks to the sheer enthusiasm of our guides.  Al got us singing "Fe-ni-cu-li, Fe-ni-cu-la" as we entered Little Italy and passed Frank Sinatra's favourite restaurant, prancing around with a pink tambourine.  "Jeez - a grown man with a Barbie tambourine. It ain't dignified." 

Then we entered the west side of the city.  "It's pretty dangerous around here, but hopefully all the kids are in their crack houses right about now..."  A volley of taped gunfire rang out and we all looked around to see what it was.  "What is this, the remedial bus tour?" said Al.

Oh. 

We ducked, dutifully.

The two of them told us about the great hitmen of the 30's with colourful names like "Machine Gun" Jack McGurn and "Bloody" Angelo Genna - and how they used to dip their bullets in garlic in the belief that it induced gangrene in their victims (should they survive being shot).  Then they handed out free garlic, "just in case".  They listed the old crime bosses like "Bugs" Moran and Al "Scarface" Capone - "But ya never called him 'Scarface' - not if you wanted to live..."  (Bizarrely, he liked to be called "Snorky"). 

Then they asked us, "So who do yuz think runs Chicago today?  Organised crime?  Nah.  Mayor Daley? Nah."  Then they pointed to our left and we saw "HARPO STUDIOS" drifting by.  Caro and I sincerely believe that Oprah will be President Winfrey one day.

We had a great time on the tour, and I made sure to tip the guys on the way out.  "Hey, where ya from doll?" asked Southside.  

When Caro told him she was from New Zealand, he instantly brightened.  "Hey! See yuz at the Agrodome!" he yelled after us as we walked away.  

My god, I will laugh no more.  The Agrodome really IS world famous.