Toronto

We arrived in Toronto, or as the locals would have it, "T'ronna" at about 7am local time.  We were knackered, obviously, but thankfully were already booked into a Howard Johnson which had nice beds and telly and before long we were curled up, doing what we do best.  Bugger all.

That was the story for most of our time in Toronto, which was a shame.  Caroline seemed to have been completely worn out by her time in Las Vegas and all she wanted was to spend her time in Toronto recovering.  

That was okay – I had been to Toronto two years before, and while I enjoyed it, didn’t feel the need to kill my girlfriend getting her out there.  We did visit the Eaton Centre, which is The Biggest Mall in Canada or something.  (All well and good, Caro still couldn't find anything to buy in it.)  On another occasion, I took Caroline to the west of the city centre, which I recalled was pretty funky.  

But wait, I hear you say.  "Canada" and "Funky" in the same chapter?  Surely not!

Well, look.  Canadians AREN'T funky.  They try really really hard, but it's true - they're not.  But it isn’t due to their clothes, their culture or their music.  Some of you are already sniggering, but it’s TRUE, I swear, the Canucks have decent track records in all of the above.  

For example, they have an EXCELLENT film industry and directors like Norman Jewison, Arthur Hiller, Denys Arcand and Atom Egoyam are all from there.  Also David Cronenberg, the man who single-handedly inspired the whole "Mutant Cancerous Tumour With A Mind of Its Own" genre.  Oh my yes.

Then you've got actors like Matthew Perry, Keanu Reeves, Donald Sutherland and Michael J. Fox all coming from Canada, along with William Shatner who I just found out once made an entire film in Esperanto.  How cool is THAT???  It ISN'T!!  Not at all!!!  So let's just gloss over William Shatner.

Then, in the arena of Sports we have, Wayne Gretzky.  And - um - Greg Rusedski - well all right, he's technically one of OURS now, but you know...  Errrr... there's Jacques Villeneuve.  And - um - Ben Johnson.  Oh all right, let's gloss over sports as well.

But then in comedy, the Canadians go a bit mad.  They have loads of comedians - Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Martin Short, Tom Green, Sean Cullen, Dan Ackroyd, John Candy and Rick Moranis.

As far as music goes, it didn't look good either.  We asked a girl at a boutique in Toronto to name a famous Canadian band.  She could only come up with The Guess Who.  They also have Bachman Turner Overdrive, who on closer inspection turn out to be The Guess Who again.  Other Canuck musical contributions include Bryan Adams, Shania, Leonard Cohen, Joni Mitchell, Men Without Hats and Celine Dion*.  Oh dear.

But then again, they also have kd lang, Neil Young and The Barenaked Ladies, which is extremely cool, so it's not all bad.  

So why aren't Canadians cool?  

Well, one theory was put forward by Canadian comedian Sean Cullen who was on tv the night we arrived.  He told the story of the Canadian curling team who were losing in the winter Olympics to the Scots.  Apparently, they went into a team huddle to discuss it, and he said you could clearly hear the Canadian coach on his microphone saying, "Come ON guys, we're just farting about out there!"

Sean Cullen said, "Yes!  That's it!!  As a nation we are just FARTING ABOUT OUT THERE!!"  

I have my own theory.  It's because they seem to be so desperately trying to prove themselves that scuppers them.  The main reason I have such an exhaustive list of Famous Canadians in my head is that I walked into a bookshop that featured a HUGE sign with the names of every famous Canadian EVER.  Underneath that was a large banner announcing:

"The World Needs Canada!!"

Everywhere you go in Canada are flags, flags, flags.  T-shirts announcing that they are NOT American, by god, but Canadian, "Not Only Am I Perfect, I'm Canadian Too!" announced one t-shirt that we saw on a horrendously fat woman.  And the Molson beer advert on telly goes something like this:

"I am Canadian!!
 I AM Ca-NAY-DEE-ANNN!!!
Oh Canada I love your trees." 

The Canadians tell anti-American jokes and go out of their way to tell you that THEY ARE NOT AMERICAN DAMMIT THEY ARE CA-NAY-DEE-ANN.  

They need to get over this.  It's not cool.

On the plus side, it does mean that Canadians are extremely friendly.  It's as if they are SOOOO pleased that you, a tourist, have decided to visit Toronto instead of New York City, they can't wait to show you around.  It's really very sweet, and extremely welcome after the somewhat rude treatment we had received in California.  Everywhere we went, people were friendly, helpful and polite.  It's the only place I have been so far where I was stopped in the street by someone who wanted to OFFER directions.  So I was impressed.  “Canadians!” I wanted to say, “You’re lovely!  Stop all that flag-waving, moose-worshipping nonsense and get on with being Canadian as opposed to being Not American!”  

But I expect I would have been pelted with beaver poop and told to stop being so patronising, and quite right too.