Newsflash: Hobbit 'Dwarf' in attempted cownapping

Olympic Park, Sydney -Actor Aidan Turner (30), best known for his roles as dwarf Kili in The Hobbit and the BBC series Desperate Romantics and Being Human, was today involved in a minor incident involving a small and somewhat battered toy known as Howard the Heery Coo.

Attending an annual popular culture expo in Sydney, Turner was besieged throughout by fans, and good-naturedly and with perfect courtesy spent hours chatting, hugging and being photographed with them. It was observed that the queue for photographs was heavily dominated by enthusiastic female fans of all ages, although a goodly smattering of males sporting dwarvish/Hobbity attire were also in evidence.

Turner's generosity in attending the event despite a punishing filming schedule was deeply appreciated by the public, and in particular by fans who had hoped to see him as one of a trio of dwarves (with Jed Brophy and Adam Brown) representing the Hobbit cast.

Widely considered to be both talented and 'cor, very fetching', Turner only increased in popularity when he accidentally mis-spelt a fan's name whilst signing autographs and kissed her ("I mean on the lips! He gave me a proper kiss!") by way of reparation.

The popular actor was therefore caught off guard when a woman recoiled in apparent horror from his proffered embrace. An unnamed source commented that Mr Turner 'may have found it deeply unflattering & possibly insulting, the more so seeing he'd spent the day surrounded by adoring and attractive young women who were only too happy to be photographed with his arms around them.'

Witnesses, however, were adamant that the woman's instinctive backing away from Mr Turner was due solely to a dislike of being photographed, and had nothing to do with the actor personally.

The woman in question (short, round, graceless and well known to fashion police as a repeat offender) is believed to have closed her ears to his seductive Irish lilt, declining his offer with a "thank you, but that's not a happening thing, laddie." Instead, her agenda was a photograph of Turner with Howard the Heery Coo, a scruffy toy highland cow that is currently on a personal quest to search the world in a bid to find his biological mother and twin brother, from whom he was separated at birth.

Looking somewhat bemused, Turner tolerantly posed for a photograph with Howard. He then innocently assumed that the coo was a gift, offered in much the same spirit as countless other toy koalas and kangaroos bestowed on the actor by the public. Having announced his intention to take possession of the coo, waiting female fans became understandably miffed that he was intending to take the coo home instead of one of them.

Further details are sketchy at the time of going to press, but witnesses claim that Turner, still in possession of the coo, attempted to leave the building. Unconfirmed reports say that the deeply unfashionable near-midget became distraught and brutally rugby-tackled him to the ground in order to thwart the attempted cownapping. While these details are as yet unsubstantiated, it is believed that the near-midget very much enjoyed tackling Mr Turner as it afforded her the opportunity to hug the rather dishy actor.*

Turner was subsequently treated for shock and offered trauma counselling. Howard the Heery Coo has been detained by police in order to assist them with their inquiries, while the woman has been removed to a secure facility for psychiatric evaluation.#
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* Nothing in this paragraph is true. Everything should be regarded as artistic licence, except for Aidan Turner being rather dishy because this is indeed the case.
# Nothing in this paragraph is true either.


This weekend was a first for me- until recently it has never even crossed my mind to attend one of these sorts of things. I don't do crowds, and I'm rubbish at being a fan- I lack whatever genome sequence there is that makes people wait 72 hours in the rain for a glimpse of an actor. But because a friend and purportedly hardcore Star Wars fan, She Who Shall Not Be Named (henceforth SWSNBN) was unwilling to travel a measly 1,523 miles/2,451kms to tell Carrie Fischer (amongst others) how fabulous she is, I had to go in her stead to collect autographs and whatnot. I looked on it as a chance to practice 'crowd tolerance' ahead of the Edinburgh Fringe in August.

Anthropologically speaking, it was an ....interesting.... experience (see Sunday's blip when I get around to uploading it).

In fairness, I ought to point out that the Divine Aidan was not on SWSNBN's to-do list. But with some free time in between queues, I couldn't resist the urge to inflict Howard on one of the few actors I actually recognised. And just so we're clear: no, I did not rugby tackle him (the poor man was hugging practically everybody that day so tackling was unnecessary. Bless his adorable little cotton socks - he's a better person than I am, to offer hugs to thousands of people and to put up with all of that hoohaa.)

No, he was not taken anywhere for counselling.
No, he did not attempt to leave the building with Howard.
Yes, he innocently thought I was giving him Howard (one wonders what actors are routinely given by fans if he could think for even one split second that a scruffy lop-horned toy was a gift. I probably don't want to know the answer to that).
Yes, I accidentally called him 'laddie'.
Yes, his voice is pretty darn fine.
Yes, I may have inadvertently offended him by recoiling (if he even registered it in the first place, but I suspect he was so tired by that point that he may not have)
Yes, he kissed the lass to make amends for his spelling mistake
No, I have no idea whether he had either the energy or even the inclination to consider scooping up a willing groupie and taking them back to his hotel. And no, I don't honestly know whether the Divine Aidan was given squillions of fluffy ocka toys.