My Young Mum

When i think of Mum it's natural for the memories to be how she was in the most recent times.  The tired old body, but then the still very active and sharp mind that she really had up until the final few days of her life.  But I make sure I try to remember her as more than just the elderly lady that latterly struggled to walk very well due to arthritic  knees and sore feet that wished she was able to move her body without wincing with pain.  And she Never moaned about this!!  I'd be groaning and whining!

Today I was looking at old family photos, very old ones from the 1940s and 1950s when Mum was young and carefree and had her whole life ahead of her.  Remembering that whole life, the good life that she always said she had had.

I've been dreading at various times lately the first Mother's Day that Mum won't be here and now it's tomorrow.  We are going through to Edinburgh tomorrow to see Cameron and I'm taking him some food that I made today.  We are going out somewhere for something to eat, Laura has booked it so it's something different from what we usually would do if my Mum was here, with the family.  So, tomorrow will have a different picture on my journal to what I normally would have for Mother's Day, and I'm doing my honouring tonight.

I've done some healing since 24 July last year.  I still miss so much about Mum, she was such a character, never a 'quiet wee wummin'!  Always had an opinion (of course this is where I get mine from), wanted to know all what was happening, her quick wit an sense of humour that had us laughing, the way she made up her own words for things, and then we adopted them and still use them.  Covis, Lock Out, Peanutter, Click Offfff!, Slap Happy (Broadslap Farm), Daffy Duck (Tufted Duck Cafe) the list goes on.  Always had a smile, and  when out and about we would have people we had never met before treating her like a new member of the family!  And although we never were a family for 'love you' statements, I always felt loved and am sure she did too.  I know she did.

So the missing stays the same but life around that has grown.  It's not the all consuming grief that it was then.  Back in these dark days I couldn't have attempted to go on holiday myself, I could hardly think right at times for the fog in my brain.  I wondered why I felt so exhausted and unable to think properly.  Grief and shock.  I think my body and mind needed to heal and I certainly slept a lot.

I know that mum wouldn't want me to be desperately sad tomorrow so I will try and not be but I will miss her just as I still miss her every day.  The missing isn't different tomorrow just cos it's Mother's Day just that we always had a family get together for Mum - hell even my brother made the effort to come along ........  


Another cold, cold day  today - grey sky that makes me melancholy, but at least I know the cause of the melancholy!!