Spoon Theory

"But you don't LOOK sick"

After 2 years of journal entries relating to my declining health and then the steps towards recovery, I have found a blog article that explains perfectly how debilitating a chronic illness can be.

I have come to terms with the likelihood of always having some chronic pain. I am grateful that it is currently not the hellish situation it was pre-op. I am optimistic that I will be able to manage myself, my pain and my emotional health a bit more effectively now that I am able to exercise and get out. I am under no allusions though that I am going to have bad days.

If you have read the article that I have linked to, I can only say - I ran out of spoons at around 4pm.

Today is not a good day emotionally, and it wasn't from the minute I woke up. I then compounded it by going to the 'Pool to my Nana's house, which my family are all working to sort out and clear. I did keep it together but it took every ounce of strength I had not to walk away. The only way I can explain it is this - I didn't go to see my nana in the Chapel of Rest prior to her funeral because I wanted my memories of her to be untarnished by that final view - it had forever stayed with me seeing my Grandad lying in his coffin. In a similar way, nana's house is not the same without Nana in it and to see it in disarray is just awful. I know it is worse for my Mum, my Aunty and my Uncle - my Nana's children - for it falls upon them to coordinate this last piece of organisation. I fear I am being selfish and self centred. Even now, on the edge of tears, I cannot let it go because some part of me is just so desperate for control that I feel that I am giving in if I cry.



Today the diet can go to hell - I have done no exercise, I have eaten way more than my allocated calorie allowance and I am eating chocolate right now. Tomorrow I will retrieve my head from my arse and get back on the wagon.

Still not smoking though, so thats good.